Is it possible for depression to become a part of you?
Hello everyone, I'm kind of a newbie here, and I thought this might be a good place to ask about something that's been on my mind for a while now, and quite frankly, terrifies me.
To begin, I've had depression for a while. I hadn't always realized it, but it's been present, either front and center in my mind, making me feel like I should just perish, or in the background, changing how I view certain matters. The second part is what scares me right now, because of how long it's been happening. Early on in my depression (some years ago), I felt that I wasn't worth anything, and if everyone had a purpose in the world, mine was to take a bullet so someone else would live to do something important (I didn't think it would be that scenario specifically mind you, but you get the idea). That had an effect though; I figured, well okay, since I'm not important, the least I can do is support my loved ones. And so I always tried to support my friends and family in their own mental battles rather than facing my own, because after all, why fight my own when my mental health doesn't matter in the end? It went on for quite some time, until I met someone, who didn't need my help. Who had their mental health together, decided to be my friend for some unfathomable reason, and started supporting me instead. That's what really made me realize what I'd been doing for so long. And now I'm scared, because this tiny little thought that depression caused, turned into a massive part of my personality. And this example I've given isn't the only one either, which is even scarier. And if I work towards defeating depression, if these tiny thoughts cease to be believed as true, what happens to me? Who do I become? Would I even be myself anymore? It terrifies me beyond almost anything else, and it's kinda become a barrier to working towards mental health. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you for reading.
Hey hey.
First of all I want to tell you that you're not alone. Especially people who have dealt with depression since childhood or as a teen often find themselves in this position. Me too. I've been struggling with several mental illnesses since I've been a teenager, now I'm a young adult (23) and only recently come to the realisation that I maybe should actually start working against my problems and not just accepting them as part of me.
Next I'd like to point out a theory I've only recently learned about. It's about how you can kind of learn yourself into depression. You believe you can't do anything about your situation and are just stuck in it and let it go on and on because there's nothing you can do about it. But there is. You just never learned that there is. And even if you did you never learned that it works for YOU as well.
That's what I've experienced since childhood. I did struggle with mental illness and I've also been with therapists for years, but I never thought it would actually change something. I didn't do my homework because I thought it wouldn't help anyway and instead I just... continued to stay depressed.
I also had a lot of friends who thought that mental illness and sadness were good things, so that didn't help at all. Instead I just accepted that I'd have to live with an eating disorder to be liked, had to stay depressed to be liked and that this is just how my life has to be like.
I woke up from that when I had a bad crash and sank into a depressive episode so bad I don't think I've ever experienced before. Suddenly I sat there knowing that I had to turn my life around, had to take therapy serious and if my lifestyle changes don't work out will have to take medication. Because suddenly I realized that this isn't what my life is supposed to be like, it's just what my mental illness wants me to believe.
That also scared the living hell out of me. Because just as you said: what even am I without my mental illness? It has defined me for so many years. Do I even have a personality under all that?
The answer is yes and no. I do not have the same knowledge about myself that my peers have. I don't have specific hobbies outside of those my depression allowed me to have and I also don't have specific interests in a lot of things longer than two days. In that sense, I do not have a personality.
But I do have one aside from depression. In fact depression isn't even part of my personality. Just as much as my chronic heart condition isn't part of my personality as well. It's an illness. My actual personality is just slowly coming to the front. I'm surprisingly funny! I had to work hard on finding that one out once I had to stop making jokes about myself and instead to say other funny things, but yes, I can make people laugh a lot. I'm also an introverted extrovert. I actually like having people around that I care about. I don't need alone time to recharge if the people close to me are people I trust and love. I always thought I was a strict introvert because I spend a lot of time alone, but that was my depression isolating me and my social anxiety stopping me from reaching out.
Your illness isn't part of your personality, it just covers up what your actual personality is like and makes you feel like you have nothing left if it goes away. But that isn't true, I promise.
And while there WILL be stuff you have to figure out about yourself and actually build up, your personality isn't one of those. You might have to put in some work to find hobbies you actually enjoy which don't include spending 10 hours a day on your phone (speaking of experience) and that will feel pretty shitty since everyone else just has hobbies and you have to actually put work in to find some. But other people also don't have to fight sickness.
You won't be the same person anymore you were before your mental illness. I was 15 when it started for me and I'm nothing like that little girl before anymore. I'm much more compassionate with others. I understand emotions much more deeply. I don't pull all nighters just to play videogames when I know exactly that it will make me feel sick the next day. I can't go back to how things were back then.
But that's nothing bad. Open your arms up for the person you'll become.
Even healthy people will grow and change. Just because the reason is different for you doesn't make it any less wonderful.
And while I'm still working on healing myself, I can already tell you it's worth it. It's worth finding out that you can actually change things. No matter if you need medication for it or if you want to try it with lifestyle changes like me and see if that helps already.
All the love and energy towards you on this journey. What you're going through is perfectly normal and reasonable. And it's the first step on getting better.
