Letter to myself :

Dear me, I know this letter might surprise you, because we never used to be close friends and I usually don't check up on you, but I guess we need to talk. I'm not going to apologize to you even though you'd deserve it, but we both know that apologies, even if they come from heart, won't change the way that things have been. Apologies are promises from people who wronged you, to not wrong you again. I can't give you that promise right now, because I don't know if I'll break it someday. But you're used to it aren't you? You're used to live with that uncertainty, because you've gotten empty promises before. You're used to them being broken. You know what it's like to get hurt and you blame yourself for it, because your expectations were to high. You know the pain that comes along with it, it's always there, but you got used to it. You also grew from it right? Because you're the strong one, you've always been remember? Oh you're so mature for your age and you're so independent and responsible. Isn't that what they told you? But it was never your choice, was it? You never chose to grow up fast. But you knew that if it wasn't you, nobody would take care of them. So you gave up on your childhood to become everyone's parent, to make sure everyone's doing alright and with that you pushed away your own feelings and needs. You were so absorbed by fixing everyone else's problems that you forgot about your own. You kept them inside, far away from everyone's eyes, so that they won't get worried. But you're fine, right? I mean why wouldn't you be? You've got a home, good grades, loving friends and family, what else would you need to be happy? I don't know what's wrong and neither do you, but we both know that you haven't been "fine" in a long time. You know you're not happy. You've been numb for years, you know that you're lost and trapped in your mind. You sit there as the time flies by unable to feel emotion. Is there even anything left inside of you? There were days you couldn't even get out of bed, because every step would've been too much. The same people who once praised you for being mature are now calling you lazy and useless, but you wouldn't tell them what's going on, would you? It's easier to disappoint them, than to show them how you feel. So you keep on pretending that you're in control of it, you're living your life like the grown up person you're expected to be, to maintain your image as "the strong one". I know you can see what it does to you, because I can see it too. I know I said I wouldn't apologize, but I feel bad for what I did to you. I never meant to wrong you like that. I wish I would have known it from the start, maybe that would have changed the outcome. I hope that someday you can forgive me, for putting you in this mess. With this letter I'm trying to tell you, that I still care and I won't give up on you. I've lost you once and I think I'm about to lose you again, but this time I will fight. Because after all, you're the only one that I have left. Sincerely, you.