Miserable.
(Trigger Warning)
Hey all
so I have NOT been doing well at all. *insert self-deprecating laugh here*.
I haven't been on in months so I figured I'd try it again, better than listening to depressing music and "choosing to wallow in bad feelings" so I thought I'd try.
God, where to start??
I guess I'll make a list of everything, just to sort it out for myself hah.
1. I'm almost certain I have depression, and I have a breakdown (at least) once a week. This week it was on Wednesday, which is bad because I still have the rest of the week to make it even though I just want to lay on the floor and cry while listening to Billie Eilish. (Right now happier than ever is my favorite album - yes, I know that is a sad album. I've got a sad life, what can I say?)
2. I literally almost never sleep more than seven hours (and that's on a GOOD night). I just don't want to sleep. Sleep is when the nightmares come, and even though I don't remember the details of most of them, I know they're horrible from the way I feel when I'm rudely jolted awake from them at the late hour of 5:30 in the morning. So I'm just tired all the time.
3. My grades are on a slow slip, and I feel kind of awful about all of them. I've got about an 86% in math. This is the worst grade I've had in a class in my school career, and I feel so stupid all the time. I try to bring it back up, but then I guess I misunderstand the concepts and I get worse on the retakes. (e.g., I got a 83% on the actual test, then I got a 53% on the retake - an actual fail.) I also have a ton of missing work because I either zone out in class and don't feel like doing it, or I was sick (I get sick SO MUCH) so I got behind. My to-do list has approximately 30 items on it, and it's overwhelming. Speaking of which...
4. I've got a severe fear of not succeeding / not living up to other peoples standards. Its an almost crippling anxiety and it makes tests, quizzes, and graded assignments that much worse.
5. I've been having issues with my friends - both arguments and feeling like I'm being fake with them. Let me clarify - I love my friends. I do. they're awesome people, and I like hanging out with them. But sometimes some of them can be very frustrating. Also, I often feel like I'm being fake with them or concealing parts of myself, because they barely even know this part of me exists.
6. Remember me mentioning how I'm always sick? Right now I'm pretty sure I have an eye infection. Yeah, I've got a terrible habit of rubbing my eyes, and this is probably the third or fourth time I've gotten an eye infection. At this rate, I'm not going to tell my parents because they'd be SO P!SSED at me, also I'm pretty sure we don't have the money or time for antibiotics or a doctors visit. The good news is, its not gooping up TOO much, and my eye itself looks pretty normal (its not pink anyway) so hopefully I can abide by googles 'It will probably heal up in 1 - 2 weeks'. Sigh.
7. I literally have no one to talk to about any of this ***. I don't have a best friend, any of my other friends would probably be enormously uncomfortable about me talking to them about this, I don't trust the school counselor, I don't trust my family, and ain't no way we can afford therapy for me. It just bottles up inside me and then I have a breakdown from it. (see - breakdown (at least) once a week)
8. My body insecurities got slightly better, but now I think they're worse. I don't know, I hate seeing myself in the mirror because all I can think is 'Its no wonder such an ugly girl has no one to confide in.' That sounds miserable, I'm sorry, I'm fine most of the time, it's just when they start really going, it's horrible.
9. I hate being at home because of my family. My family's okay most of the time, don't get me wrong. But often it feel like my mom is ever only mad at me about something, my youngest sister hates me, my second youngest sister (I have two) is trying to take all my friends because we're finally in the same school again, and my dad always sides with my mom. It just kinda makes me want to hide in my room and listen to music on my CD player forever. (I don't have a phone - my mom won't let me.)
10. My social anxiety has gotten SO MUCH WORSE this year. Yeah, I used to be awkward, but now talking to people is terrifying. I hate walking into or out of classrooms because it feels like everyone turns and looks at me when I do. I get overstimulated easily, but this year it's caused me to completely shut down more than once. (e.g., not talking, hunching up in a corner, with my loops (my actual favorite things next to my music, they're noise protection) in, trying not to cry because everyone's running around yelling and the teachers are blaring music. (gym class, if you didn't guess.)) It's horrible, and I constantly feel like no one likes me because of it. My confidence has also gotten terrible - I was barely self confident before, but now I hunch over (I'm tall, by the way) and hide behind my hair in the halls and in class because I'm afraid of making eye contact. God, I'm such a loser, haha.
11. I think I might like someone, but he barely knows I exist except for that one time he hit with a gym door on accident. Okay, so this one is kinda stupid, but it's really given me a hit on my self confidence. I used to identify as asexual - aromantic (aroace) but now I have no clue. Whenever I see him I either start smiling a little (dude what is wrong with me???) or if we (I think) lock eyes, I probably turn bright red and look down. Idk if this is like an actual crush, or like a infatuation (because I sometimes have those, like platonic ones). But also, he is a literal popular sporty guy, and he's also pretty cute, (😳) and I am literally ugly as *** and have literally (on a good day) at max 10 friends. Also, I literally eat in a teachers room because I'm such a loser, haha.
Anyway, that's it for now for my ranting. If you read this whole thing, thank you, thanks for your support, sorry for all this dumping lol.
love and hugs if you need / want it
- angel <3
@angelheart2011
Hey, it must be really difficult to carry so much problems. I can tell you I am not afraid or uncomfortable with what you share. You matter. Anxiety and depression are not easy to deal with.
I have the feeling that there is so much tension and pressure in your body from that internal voice that blames you for not being enough. I know that my words won’t make it shut up. Still, you are enough as you are. Even with all the struggles, doubts and not perfect scores at school. You are important. Right now the anxiety is sabotaging you. Even with this you are still moving forward, still passing your tests. You don’t realize your own power. Yes, you might disagree. Still, I see a huge burden that you carry. It’s not a small thing to keep going with it.
Since you are not able to afford therapy, you could try chats with 7cups listeners. You could talk to somebody else every few days or stick to one person. Or if you want we can talk a little here in your post thread or pen-pal posts.
You could also browse the 7cups resources. There are great guides and paths for self-help.
@pinkCherry1616
Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot. On the subject of listeners, do you know of any really good ones to talk to about these issues on here? I think it is a good idea to talk to someone regularly, I just wondered if there's any you specifically know of. Thank you again <3
@angelheart2011
I know few there are few great people replying to posts here. What I am not sure is if they are certified to chat 1:1 with teens. I am not.
You can do some research. Filter listeners for teens, supporting anxiety, with good ratings and read their bio.
@pinkCherry1616
Okay, thank you. I really appreciate the support.
You have alot of thoughts. Many of which distress you. Emotions tend to lead to the creation of thoughts when we can feel the underlying emotions the thoughts tend to slow down.
Listening to music which evokes a difficult emotion is good. But it is a long process becoming comfortable with different difficult emotions and you can do it too much if you need a break distract yourself.
Sir Isaac Newton was excellent at maths partly because he was obsessed with it. Maths is useful but if you were good enough at maths would it be ok. You have more emotional awareness than him and less obsession with maths.
If you have good reason to think you have far more thoughts than other girls/young women you might be ADD. It could be you have just expressed lots of thoughts in one go rather than constantly thinking.
I don’t like giving you a worry but i judged it worth asking.
Feeling the worried emotion may be more useful than depressed emotion in music as most of your message was worry not depression.
All best.
@DancingDaoist
Thank you for the advice. :) I actually have been diagnosed with ADHD, I'm more of the ADD part for sure, but if I didn't know that would have been really helpful. Thank you for your support. <3
You have alot of thoughts. Many of which distress you. Emotions tend to lead to the creation of thoughts when we can feel the underlying emotions the thoughts tend to slow down.
Listening to music which evokes a difficult emotion is good. But it is a long process becoming comfortable with different difficult emotions and you can do it too much if you need a break distract yourself.
Sir Isaac Newton was excellent at maths partly because he was obsessed with it. Maths is useful but if you were good enough at maths would it be ok. You have more emotional awareness than him and less obsession with maths.
If you have good reason to think you have far more thoughts than other girls/young women you might be ADD. It could be you have just expressed lots of thoughts in one go rather than constantly thinking.
I don’t like giving you a worry but i judged it worth asking.
Feeling the worried emotion may be more useful than depressed emotion in music as most of your message was worry not depression.
All best.
@angelheart2011
Hey you are going through and its understandable to feel like it. Feel free to open up if you want and text me as I m a listener.
Take care and be safe.🫂
@cheerfulKiwi1776
Okay, thank you. I might take you up on that. :)
@angelheart2011
Suree🩵🩵
Hi