I wanna disappear

@CyanSkyRoyal

I am so sorry that you feel like everyone is using you and that you are suffering so much. It must be very hard to deal with all these challenges without having enough healthy outlets and coping tools. Hugs. Marijuana might seem as an easy escape for shortterm but it will not solve your problem longterm.

We do care about you and I am fearing that you may be falling into downward spiral and get trapped at the bottom. Please seek crisis support if you are afraid you may act out on your feelings. If you want I can send you resources by pm. If you want you can pm me and we can talk about your feelings.

You matter, your feelings matter ❤

https://www.7cups.com/supportGuides/selfHelpGuides.php

@CyanSkyRoyal

I don't really have a great comparison to your struggles.

I'm au(surprised) from shame tactics or being in spotlight, I have not yet sunkento the lows of drinking some bad checmical connocation. Ihave 2 criminal convictions on me and like i don't think it looks good and don't understand why they want to go to this silent route of putting me in handcuffs without talking to me. I'm told to turn a blind eye to all this stuff I clear as day see. It's really hard seeing this guy as genuinely caring. He cared about cmfort and being free of anxieties but this ability to teach means so much more to him. I don't understand.

Meanwhile, 2 people have been living near me and I wouldl be panicking and feel violated all over the place but i already kinda had this idea before though it went away for a while before i realized they actually were there and doing it/behaviors. I don't feel "egualitarian " at all and don't think i can be. There's a sense of being violated that's still there. I don't think i can manage a relationship like this and would kinda like to start over somewhere, them knowing me and all my history is all fine but like too much of me has been shared and i know nothing of them. I regret overlooking someone's apain when they were clearly suffering despite their retained ability to function for hobbies/interests. I kinda understood this slow draggin your feet and allooof kind of walk but I chose to kinda remain oblivious to it. I just don't think I'm ucut out for friends/relationships

@CyanSkyRoyal

Hey there, it sure sounds like you're going through a lot right now and I can't even begin to express how sorry I am that you're being forced to feel and go through all of that. But being able to vent and talk about it so openly shows strength and I'm proud of you for that and yous should be too. I know it seems like a mountain that you're struggling to climb right now, and you've probably heard this a thousand times already, but: you're going to make it through this. From what seems like toxic friends and toxic family, you've gone so far already and that just shows how strong you are. You're more than welcome to message me anytime you need to chat and I can try to get back to you as soon as I can.