Lore and Lies
This is my first post an last. Feeling extra bitter today.
Words of 'kindness' don't mean much to me. Very little weight. An I've never found talking ever got me anywhere; just end up talking in circles with no resolve.
Only thing I have found true is that it doesn't get better for everyone. I've been waiting for two decades for things to "get better". I've been through strings an overloads of medication. I've been through multiple therapists. Groups therapy. Two inpatient stays. Job changes and moving to new locations. Actually picking good people to surround myself with.
All for nothing. Nothing has changed. I feel the same as I did the first time I self harmed an tried to end it all at nine years old. Everyday I think about ending it. I still have this burning an suffocating pain of having to be alive because anything less would be 'selfish'. So now I get to be a martyr for people who don't even comprehend what I am going through. 'Cause that's exactly what I want to add to already this miserable existence.
There us nothing in life I have found that I want or desire. I don't want love or family of my own. I don't care about keeping friends any longer, it's become too much of a hassle. I don't care to travel or see the seven wonders or even the next town over. This world is grey an dull an I suppose from your view I am a reflection of that: grey an dull. Lifeless. The only thing I look forward to is that day it all stops. I am ready to burn.
Hello @OLDGLOBE just wanted to say welcome. I read your post. It's pretty dark but I feel you. Symptoms overwhelm and there's no effective relief, it's impossible to see through the muck.
And yet you did come here so if you've tried everything else you can think of, then I hope you'll give this a chance to work. At the very least it'll be a distraction for you; for us, a chance to listen.
@Russellistrying I am not new. I've been here since 2015. I come here when I need "social"interaction an by that I mean I log into the chat room and watch people talk. I would consider this place provides a moment of distraction at best.
@OLDGLOBE apologies for my mistake.
About logging on to chat as you do, I think it's a good distraction and certainly better than some I've tried when depression is severe. I wish I knew about this place in 2015 when I was isolated, miserable with zero functionality.
@OLDGLOBE
If you feel drawn to this forum, what need in you is it addressing? It sounds like you do want some sort of connection. I am glad you reached out. All the best to you.
@MsBrownieBee
I do not desire a connection with anyone here or otherwse. I cannot stand what the human race has become but I supose that stems from my own self hatred. I haven't left my home for almost six weeks because I hate society.
The only reason I come her is because I have no where else to drag my corrupt self since being banned from a suicide forum that I was apart of form alomst ten years. Coming here to see sick people like myself is the only way I feel less alone in this useless life.
@OLDGLOBE
I appreciate your frankness. You are quite expressive and descriptive. Thanks for responding. :)