New here, my wife demanded an open marriage
I’m new here, been depressed for years, health declined, and I walled out the world including my wife. It took her telling me she was dating as if our marriage was open because she couldn’t stand seeing me give up to finally wake me up. I’m 2 months into trying to live, I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’ve made progress but I still find myself slipping into suicidal thoughts especially because she is still dating and I can get her to stop. I hate that it took this to wake me up and I hate that as I improve my marriage is still failing. I have 2 kids w her. I’m financially barely getting by and I hate that I am even considering suicide but I’m just feeling futile and wanting relief. I am hopeful that some people and some open conversations can help me push through, even if I am miserable, my kids need a better me and that should be enough for a normal person, I need help.
@BuffaloGuy
I am sorry it came to that for you to wake up from your depression and walled off life.... and what caused you to wake up ...... honestly as a spouse who recently asked for an open marriage i can tell you it takes a long time and much grief to reach that point let alone to actually start dating....
I am glad you have come to and see the destruction this all has been to your life and people who have been walled out and left alone ..... trust that you will not crawl into a hole again is real....
Talk of suicide also is pushing her away a guilt trip is not romantic ....... it would if it was me ........ talk is not what i am looking for .....................but action and progress maybe if you show that she will reevaluate her situation ...... again moving on happens after long time torment and being so lonely it physically hurts....
but just "hey i am awake from my depression cocoon all is back to normal" is not either reasonable or frankly fair.....
every choice you make affects all around you kids included....
you need to talk / seek counseling and see that you were not seeing her pain and her heartbreak ........ expecting her to just snap out of the life she is building because you feel better..... the time for frank communication is LONG overdue and there will be pain and somethings YOU most likely will NOT want to hear but if you want her back ....WIN her back.
I’m in therapy, 2 therapists dropped me, I lost 40 lbs, I’m seeking medical help with health issues
@BuffaloGuy
I think that is great for you..... i know your health and mental health is your priority as it should be
as a wife in similar shoes as your wife i can tell you it would take much more then my spouse doing that even though ALL those things are what i wanted from the start ........ now that is not enough............. the hurt is deep and couples therapy maybe needed ...... when we are hurting or even Ill we often do not see it from another point of view.
if my spouse lost weight and started therapy....... i would ask myself ... for how long......?
do i give up on my new friend only for a relapse ... do i put myself through all that again?
can i trust this will work .........i would not respond and comeback to a marriage hanging by a thread out of obligation or guilt not feelings.........
discover what she wants................ it is more then just hoping you heal ... i can almost guarantee that.
So how have things been lately? @BuffaloGuy
It sounds like you are doing lots of the hard work that it takes to get better. It isn't easy and it takes some time.
I would keep looking for the better therapist. They can really help you process things. Have you tried any medication?
Then come back here often. Even daily if it helps. You can just keep posting to this thread and someone will answer (though it can take a little while).
Just having a place to let the negative from in your head out into a judgment free zone can do wonders. @BuffaloGuy
I am on meds from my primary care and I’m taking SAMe
Tiger she says she wants fun, excitement, novelty, newness, adventure, time away from being the house wife. I provided as much as I could for her and she fell depressed, I slid too because my best wasn’t enough. Idk if I’ll be healthier for how long but nothing makes me happy, I can’t sleep, I’m transferring my self destructive feelings into exercise motivation, I need the exhaustion to sleep.
please lay it on thick as a woman who asked her husband what my wife is asking me, help me but laying it on me. I’m strong enough to try anything now anything except letting her go which is what she wants.
@BuffaloGuy
i am sorry if i came on too strong in my defense i see many posts that just hit too close to home........
this is one...... sometimes the frankness helps some see sometimes i may seem unfeeling ........
i wanted newness / activity / fun and what i get is a half hour about what type of food do you feel like no what kind of food do you want and guess what by the time it is decided i am too mad to eat ...
i try new places he says we will go back as i enjoyed it..............but guess what we NEVER do .....
he brings his favorites home for desert and tells me it is MY favorite nope not even close ..........
tries cooking wastes a ton of food and ingredients i bought for recipes and then tells me i am cruel as what he made being HELPFUL is inedible
i threw myself into exercise lost 50 plus lbs and i get things like " well it does not always come of the right places" as ENCOURAGEMENT....... yes my spouse is that big of a (Insert your own adjective )
my biggest thing is he does NOT listen to me ...... he rolls his eyes and actually walked away one time after asking how was my day...... support is not hard ........... real compliments are not hard...... real interest in what interests me is not hard ........ each woman or man for that matter wants to be appreciated and real effort not going down a list checking things off which is what he wants me to do write him a how to like it is instructions to putting an ikea shelf unit together....
I used to be at capacity and easily stressed but I always tried w my wife, I’m struggling now to be present and I have stepped up in every way I can. Still not enough. She decides all food, I cook only what she likes and I bring her anywhere she wants when we get a sitter. I had stomach issues for years and couldn’t eat out much so why waste a pick on me
@BuffaloGuy
each couple is different i just thought if you can see from all sides sometimes a person can consider an idea they did not think of
More than appreciate that. Thank you.
my spouse too said he is tired as his best is not good enough but I know his best and it was no where near....
i have an online friend who can just talk and make me feel alive and wanted and sexy my spouse does not even look at me even though i am in best shape i have been in years.
i had a walking streak goal o a year got stomach flu he said "too bad " do you want me to wear the stupid watch thing ........... and does not get it that i am not so turned on by him.
my friend wrote celebrate the 363 days you can start again it was sheer will and determination ................. i got up and walked in place by my bed.... because someone had my back not discounted by goal and wants me to fail cause he can stay fat too. even if he took me out and we did things i do not know if feelings would return the hurt is there with every backhanded compliment he has uttered
I’m sorry he is like that. I always encouraged healthy things w my wife and family, non stop walks in parks on nice days, I bought her 20 yoga classes for her bday but all she does is set up dates. Since I lost weight though now she follows my work out which was also my crying time. I worked out to hide my tears since when I cry she gets mad.
@BuffaloGuy
i agree my workout time is my time when he wants to join makes it hard for me. we all need our outlet and when i have to change for him to walk at half speed it only infuriates me.
Best vase I agree, I need a vent. Friends are already tired of hearing from me. Thank you for the support
You have my support in full. Tough Tiger is being a little tough. You are doing things the best that you can right now and are trying to fix things. That matters a great deal.
How did your day go today? @BuffaloGuy
please see i was trying to let you think of things outside your view......
my spouse always looks at me when we go out like is this going to be enough ? where am i on the points total so i can quit trying i see it in his eyes
think of dating...... think of brand new ........ think of asking her what her passions are what does she want to do not in a way like you are judging her..... tell her all the things you fell in love with ... tell her about how impressed you are with how she is doing with the kids.............talk of the fun a outfit you always liked on her .........make her feel more then a mom / wife make her feel like a woman desired and funny and charming .......... I know you are struggling with your own issues but try to make it as spontaneous as you can be ......... do not look up like one more compliment is going to cross a finish line tell her the truth the deep ugly insecurities you have had your real fear of losing her forever.
she wants to be included in your journey
I took hundreds of photos of her doing flying trapeze tonight. I helped edit them and she is proud beaming and posting. I’m not a complete *** husband. Even at my worst. I’m just not enough for her, she wants me plus others, I can’t handle that.
@BuffaloGuy
sounds like a start i doubt she wants more just her needs were not being met pure and simple.........
mine are not close to being met i though being up front about it was better then cheating ...... i secretly hoped he would wake up like you did........... but alas no .............
it only will take a few beaming days for her to see you are enough.......i hope ....no one was saying you are a bad husband ....... there are many out there that simply get lost in their own battles and lose track of their spouses news
I failed to see past my despair and I failed to ask for help until I was truly alone with the kids for 4 days straight working and tending to them. It woke me up. To late.
@BuffaloGuy
I am sorry you are waking up to a nightmare .... i am.
I hope she can see your heart is in the right place and things have not progressed with someone else
yes i may have been too tough ......
i am a big picture type that wanted to perhaps let you glimpse on the other side ..... many if not all of us that found this site have issues ..... while we struggle through our loved ones are .......
alone ...... maybe angry or confused and finally fed up .....and yet some think how could this happen why are they distant why do they want to move on ........... what do you think she went through .... trying to connect perhaps .... unsure how to help.... maybe feeling rejected .......... Talk to her about it and most important listen
That you have woken up is more important than when you did so. Blaming yourself isn't going to get you very far.
Things aren't ruined. They are just going to be a little different. You will figure it out slowly but surely.
What kinds of things are you doing to care for yourself right now?@BuffaloGuy
How have things been going?@BuffaloGuy
@BuffaloGuy really glad you are working on yourself.