Weekly Checkin 6th-12th August

I expect things will be rough for a while. In addition to the grieving there will be extra tasks for my husband to do here and all the stuff that has been left at our place to deal with. Will have a houseguest that may actually get to my house before me too.

It's been brought to my attention by @Harieo that the two discussions regarding self-confidence and epilepsy need their permissions change, as you cannot open up the documents since they are locked Do we know who wrote these discussions? If so, can they please unlock them? Tagging @kindSoul10 - thank you!

how is everyone feeling this week? I have had my tough moments but overall I"m feeling better since my med change about a week ago I think it was

how did last week go for you did it go well? I would say last week was alright. I was able to help my mom clean up the house a bit which felt really good

what hasnt been going so well for you recently? Getting up early and exercising hasn't been going very well to be honest. I hope that will change as I get more settled into eating better and all of that

How have your goals been going recently been a while since i checked in about that. My goals are alright. I toned things down a bit because I feel my goals were a bit too high. I find I'm actually doing better with making goals, such as how much I walk each day to 15 minutes instead of 30. That was just making me feel discouraged in this heat

@CaringBrit

Hey everyone 💜

I'm feeling okayish. Last week was actually pretty good.

My mom and a woman who's kinda like a mentor to me, and I, had a discussion and my mom cried abt me like in front of a stranger which I've never seen her do openly.

She was saying how she feels like I have to try so hard just to be idk at the same level of everyone else in everything. She meant I think primarily bc I am almost legally blind and I went a lot of my school life honestly not seeing anything I just figured out everything as I went. I taught myself a lot I never wanted to raise attention to the fact I could never see the board and sometimes it wasn't that bad bc my other senses are quite heightened to make up for it like hearing. With glasses now and when I would wear them I'm fine I mean they hurt my head bc the prescription has to be so strong.

And I appreciate that she acknowledged that. But I wish she wouldn't blame herself so much it's part of my personality and how my father treated us that I never ask for help like ever. Also I didn't think there was something that wrong with me bc I've adapted for so long.

But she was talking about my eyes and my overall brain bc I've always had attention problems. We don't know if it's bc of ADD or my PTSD but I try so so hard in school and I do quite well, honor roll, over 4.0 GPA, most ppl if they assume something abt me they assume I'm smart bc I'm a nerd and I care abt learning and quiet and glasses etc

But it can just be exhausting. I feel bad for her bc I have spent hours locked in my room studying so hard I know the material to my heart then I take the test then I go home and if I open up to her which I feel bad for I just cried and cried bc I still test awfully. No matter how hard I try. I mean some of it has gotten better luckily.

She also feels guilty bc I think she knows deep down I have taken care of her and my father and on some levels my sister my entire life. Our home environment was always stressful and fearsome and being careful to prevent violence or fights. My sister and my mom both do a lot for me I would be nowhere without them honestly. But we never really had time for a childhood school was the only escape.

And then there's some things I think she can't really understand which is ok bc she has too much to worry abt right now. But just like existing.

Getting myself to eat is very hard. Taking care of myself feels like a sin half the time. My head is perpetually spinning about something a lot of it intrusive thoughts and worries sometimes literally everything feels hard.

I also physically besides my eyes have a lot of things I can't do no matter how hard I try. Or I have to try so freaking hard it doesn't seem worth it.

We still don't know why but parts of my body just never fully developed. When some girls were going through their normal awkward puberty years 12-16 or whatever I was bleeding yep. But I was also healing from sexual trauma so terrified of that. I also was terrified every day wondering what on earth was wrong with me. Even before the assault I couldn't function normally no matter how hard I tried. I didn't tell anyone for years besides my sister and mom and I think honestly my mom felt guilty bc she thinks she gave me this defect so she lashes out and was pretty mean about it for the entirety of my puberty. So.

And it's not for lack of trying. In fact my mentor told me no one would guess any of that from how I appear. I appear so put together and smart and on top of everything. But I think that's just because I've blended in all my life. It was just to survive.

She said "she never complains. She will do anytjing you ask of her and more" Same thing as my boss said and my teachers say. And ya i don't like complaining but I'm realizing now sometimes i just purely could not do things so it wouldnt be complaining as much telling the truth

Idk. It was just nice and sad to hear my mom understand that I'm not lazy. I actually work harder than a lot of freaking people and I do very well.

That was long, peace 👍

@CaringBrit

Hey Just checkin in on ya

Hey, I am new here *waves* hiii!

I have migraines and at the moment I am off work trying out new meds, which got to be honest arn't really working. I've had migraines my whole life but they keep getting worse and worse. I am bed bound for weeks of the year sometimes and I've worked out some fantastic ways to eat in the dark without droppiing everything ahah.

Anyway wanted to say hi, and couldn't find another place to do it! Hope this is okay, if not please redirect me ahha.

Lovely to meet you all :)