Cheated Tradeoffs
Sometimes I feel like my body has cheated me out of deals I have somewhat made in my head.
When I sacrifice thingns I enjoyed, things that brought meaning to my life, or sucked up and dealt with really tough things, I expected to see a payoff for them.
I haven't really got the payoff I bargained for. While overall those things have been good for me, my body continued to fight me. So the increase is only offseting the decrease, it's not really getting me to the point where I feel like I should be at.
To put it into numbers - say being healthy is 100. When it came to the point of going on medical leave, I might have been at a 30. Being able to increase my rest, reduce my stress, etc. I figured would make a big difference - increase by 30, expect to land at 60. Instead my body decided to keep fight me. So while I might have gotten that increase of 30, my body set me back 20 so I only landed at 40. Better than being at a 10 like I would have if I had just kept on. It's not what the 'deal' was though - I'm not supposed to keep getting worse.
None of my illnesses are considered to be progressive so I don't understand why I can't get to a similar point to what I used to feel like during my more healthier times. Especially considering all the effort and sacrifices I try to make to get there.
@AffyAvo
Your post made me cry because I've dealt with the same frustrations. Whether it be physical or mental tradeoffs, I feel cheated out of any benefits from "smaller thinking" (that's how I label it). I remember when I used to be able to walk but due to my knees coming out of joint when I stood on my legs (I had hamstring surgery because my legs wouldn't straighten all the way, so it let my knees at a higher risk of coming out of joint), I thought resting and using my wheelchair more would save my legs. Now I'm housebound with much less independence than I ever had. I feel guilty I didn't try hard enough to walk again.
I sometimes wonder if bearing the excruciating pain would have been better, but I also know that it would have also put me at risk for early arthritis. I don't like thinking about what I could have done differently. Too painful. 
@TrueArrow I'm sorry for the reasons why you understand it. I wish our bodies would play fair!
@AffyAvo I try to remember that we are not our disabilities, and I'm trying the best that I can with the information I have right now. I try not to think of what could have been and what is. It's just a difficult path to walk (no pun intended since I technically cannot walk lol) when you feel stuck in your body that causes you pain. C'est la vie.
I hope your day is going well 
