Chronic Illness and Grief

“When we talk about chronic illness, we are talking about the loss of the healthy body. This loss leads to myriad challenges: changed relationships changed career possibilities, changed hobbies, changed identity. Grief–the way we respond to these challenges–is a normal reaction to loss. The dual process model theory of coping with grief (DPM) is useful in understanding chronic illness grief. The DPM posits that grief involves moving back and forth between coping with loss-oriented and restoration-oriented stressors. This is dynamic and complex and can involve moment-by-moment oscillations between the two stressors. At one moment, a grieving person could look at her changed body in the mirror, tearing up over an appearance-related change. In the next moment, she could brainstorm ways to manage this change–finding clothes that will flatter her new body, for example. Each category of stressors requires attention as part of the grieving process. The DPM posits that people oscillate between addressing the two categories of stressors and between active grief and rest.

The DPM conceptualizes grief as an ongoing journey rather than a list of train stations we must stop at before arriving at a final destination. The DPM normalizes grief’s dynamic fluidity. Sometimes, loss is foregrounded; sometimes, restoration is foregrounded; and sometimes, rest and respite are foregrounded. The DPM allows us to have all of our grieving stories. We can say, “I am forever changed by and sad about living with chronic illness.” We can also say, “I am building a new life for myself that accommodates chronic illness.” We can also say, “There are facets of my identity that have nothing to do with chronic illness.” The DPM makes room for the rich multiplicity of our grieving experience.

Check-in on your own chronic illness grief process by thinking about the following questions:

• How am I dealing with loss-oriented stressors caused by my chronic illness? What feelings come up for me? Are there particular events that trigger those feelings? What do I tend to do when I feel those feelings (e.g., lean into them, distract, become overwhelmed)?
• How am I dealing with restoration-oriented stressors caused by my chronic illness? What feelings come up for me? What events trigger those feelings? What do I tend to do when I feel those feelings?
• Do I spend more time dealing with loss-oriented stressors or dealing with restoration-oriented stressors? Am I avoiding one category or the other? For example, am I preoccupied with loss such that I haven’t been able to rebuild my life? Or am I preoccupied with rebuilding my life such that I haven’t really felt the sadness of the loss of optimal health?
• Do I allow myself breaks from grief? What do those breaks look like for me? Do they feel restorative?”

It’s healthy to put grief down when the burden becomes too heavy. Giving oneself permission to withdraw from active grieving is a necessary part of good grief.

Read the whole article at Psychology Today

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