ADHD and friendship difficulties
Hi there, my name is Faith and I'm looking for a little bit of insight into how to deal with the feelings of one sidedness that comes with having a friend who falls onto the ADHD spectrum. I have known a lot of ppl who live with ADHD, and one Ive been able to maintain and have 7 years of friendship with. knowing them is the best thing in the world. However, I am beginning to feel the slight strain of this current one. Please note that I am Autistic and have an Anxious attachment style so those are factors. I've known this guy friend with ADHD going about three years. For the first two he was attentive and seemed to take an interest in me and who I was as much as I'm still taking an interest in him and who he is as my friend. Although these days its oft me who initiates communication, etc, not that I mind reaching out. But in other aspects too. I guess the real question is... I know the one sidedness can be unintended. The disappointment can be completely unintended and he already has an idea that he's not good at the whole friendship thing. I think there have been a few not so good ppl who misunderstood him and have exited stage right. Probs became a fight, etc. But I guess what im wondering is, what should I do so that my feelings of one sideness (because of my attachment style and my autistic brain) don't bleed into what there is. I can tell you most of our conversations are usually fun and I enjoy them. He's got a lot of wonderful qualities, and I'm just trying to figure out how to process some things that aren't really because of him, but I know could affect us if I don't get any outside perception.
@FaithfulGeekyGal20
I can see how this would be tricky but it shows the person you are by the fact that you want to figure this out. I truly believe there is no one right answer to things in the world because everyone reacts differently and functions different. The fact that he has been hurt by rough friendships in the past makes this harder to answer because you don't want to hurt his feelings. Do you think sitting down with him and explaining how you just explained to us what you are feeling would be beneficial? I am autistic and have ADHD. I am not him but I experience some of the things you've stated. This is totally just me, so I can't speak for your friend but when my friend and I had this issue she sat down with me and first made sure I knew that she cared and loved me and that what she was about to say was nothing but with love. She explained how some of the things I did weren't helpful for her. Being the way I am I couldn't see that. By taking the time to talk both her and I improved things so the other felt more comfortable. So, like I said I am not you and your friend, but do you think talking would be helpful(or writing a note if nonverbal, etc)?
@wonderfulRainbow817 thank you so Much for responding. So I am a low support need, vocal autistic. Him and I have spoken verbally a few times. And actually as of late he kinda went silent on me. Meaning something has come up in his life so it is at this point that I'm wondering if I shouldn't try and do just that. And finally have a conversation with him. The only sheer consequence is, ive seen him post about his ADHD. He has the inattentive type. And.... While I think a verbal conversation would help. Getting him on the phone can be tough. We both live significantly distant from each other.
@FaithfulGeekyGal20
I've seen him post, i'll clarify.
But he has exhibited and said a few things that indicated to me that he lives with inattentive adhd long before he began posting about it.
And there were signs already when I first met him. Again, not that on my end of things it would have changed anything. But I definitely know there has been a bit of feeling one sided and other ppl have viewed The relationship as such too. When he has been kind and encouraging and supportive in a lot of moments. In my own heart of hearts I see the side of him that has a lot of beautiful qualities and I know the last few years we've been friends has been tough for him. He's been through a lot. So all I want to do is maybe figure out what's the best way to support him. What I don't want of course is for him to think I'm pointing out flaws or that anything that's happened has been intentional. I have a suspicion he's just super overwhelmed but I'd rather he said that than nothing at all.