Disabled and moving...very stressed out :(
I'm a woman in my early 30's who is currently in a move with my family. I am in a wheelchair, so we have been looking for handicap accessible houses. A few weeks ago, my father found a beautiful house that is totally wheelchair accessible with all the right modifications. It was like a dream and I was totally excited about it. Problem is..not everybody is happy about moving there. My mother says that the house is too far out of the city and is worried about how I will be able to find stores, pharmacies and be able to visit doctors when I need to. I feel like she is using me as an excuse because she is afraid of moving to a new county. She doesn't like to drive and I feel like she is thinking more about herself than the good of our family and ultimately, my happiness and independence. I also feel like she is being completely unreasonable since the house is only less than 40 miles away from the city. I have done research on transportation, local stores, pharmacies, etc in the area to try to calm her worries (all of which can be arranged, so there's no problem that I can see) but no matter what I say or do, she insists that it's going to be a complete disaster. In spite of how my mother feels, my dad put down a deposit on the house, so we are on our way of owning it if we are able to sell the home we currently live in (we have a buyer and the agreement and sale will hopefully happen this month).
This morning, she blew up at my father and was yelling at him. I tried to calm down the situation but my mother is very stubborn and wouldn't stop yelling. My father said that if it wasn't for me, they wouldn't have to find a place that is handicap accessible. It really hurt to hear that because I can't help how I was born. They want me to stay with them but I feel like I'm being blamed for this whole mess. I just feel really hurt and discouraged because my mother is the only one who doesn't want to live there. I really don't know what to do...
Hello @TrueArrow
You know, house moves can be exciting, particularly when it means your needs may be better catered for, but they're also one of the more stressful life events. It sounds like this is a reluctant move for your mum.....maybe she sees no benefit in it for herself. And it sounds like she is then creating stress for your dad, because of her own feelings on the matter. Things then get said in the heat of the moment, such as you experienced today.
If you actually listen to what your dad has said, that they wouldn't need an accessible home if it weren't for your disability, he's stating a fact. Yes, it's hurt you to hear that, because you detect there is some blame intended, but was that really his intent? I'm one of those people guilty of putting my foot in my mouth at times. It's completely unintentional, and basically because I want to get to the point......and what I say, or how it's interpreted, is often not what I intended or meant by a comment. So who's in the wrong.....the person stating a pretty blunt fact, or the person reading into their words?
Actually, I'd suggest neither's at fault. It sounds like a stressful time all around, and with tempers stretched, these misunderstandings can occur. You say your parents want you to live with them - well for you to do that, and to have as much independence as possible as an adult woman, your needs have to be pretty high up the list of must haves for any new property. Perhaps everyone needs to just remind themselves of that in a calm way, and revisit that list.
My fingers are crossed for your house sale to go through, for stress to be kept to a minimum, and for your dream home to materialise. Just bear in mind though, it may not be a dream if it's filled with unhappy inhabitants. So take some time to breathe, to listen, and to ensure everyone is equally heard during this stressful time.
@DeborahUK
I'm sure my Dad didn't intentionally try to blame me but I guess my parents have had a habit of "keeping me in my place" when things go wrong or shifting the blame on others. It's just this move has been a long time coming and I stayed with them for various reasons due to their own financial restraints. When they decided to sell (which was over 7 years ago), they promised to find a house that would provide me with independence. I wanted to move out a long time ago (as the house/apartment we currently live in is pretty horrible for me and my own health has suffered due to it) but my parents pressured me into staying even as going as far to manipulate me by different scare tactics in order to keep me here. My dad has been the biggest culprit of that, so when he told me that today...I just felt like he was trying to make me feel bad yet again.
Not only that but we have had to pass up so many opportunities on houses we liked because we never had a buyer. Now that we do, it's been stressful trying to find a house, as my parents wanted to be reassured to find one before the sale closing (which hopefully will be at the end of this month...). So when my Dad finally found a place that seemed to be perfect (and mostly everybody loves the location and house)..it just feels like it's being ruined by my mom's attitude. In spite of reassuring her of every concern she's had and backing it up with research on transportation, stores, pharmacies, etc.. she is bound and determined to believe it's going to be a disaster. There is nothing I can say or do that will change her mind, period. The most frustrating part of it all is, she keeps repeating the same concerns even though I have shown evidence that there is little to worry about.
I know her feelings are valid and I've listened to her so many times but it's either we pass up on this house (and go through the stress of having to find another place that is handicap accessible....which is sadly, incredibly difficult in my state..) or go with a house that my mom will dislike. None of us know or understand why she is being so difficult when it's not even that far out of the city (and she likes the house too...it's the location she doesn't). I also fear that the stress of this all is going to have an adverse reaction on my father's health. He's in his 70's and having someone scream at you for hours will surely take a toll on him eventually. He's threatened to leave a few times now and not return...I honestly don't blame him, she's been so hurtful towards all of us. I feel like this is all my fault and I don't know what to do...
You're right though...it doesn't seem like I'll have my "dream home" even if we buy it...I just wish life was a bit easier for me sometimes.
@TrueArrow
Oh dear, I'm saddened that you feel this is your fault, when it so obviously isn't.
As I said before, moving house is oh so stressful, and it sounds like everybody's feeling it. I wonder if there is a 'perfect' property out there that meets everyone's needs 100%? My experience of property, although limited, is that compromise is often needed. Seldom does that tick list get fully ticked!
If your current house is all but sold, a move is inevitable, whether your mother feels it's what she wants or not. Best case, she moves and she loves it, and says she wishes she'd done it years ago. Worst case, she moves and she hates it, and makes sure everyone knows about it. But you can always move again! I understand that's not ideal, but what I'm saying is, nothing has to be forever. There are always other options.
It sounds like you've put your needs second for a long time, so don't feel guilty for asking for your needs to be better catered for, to maximise your independence. And it seems you've done your best to provide your mum with reassurances. What more can you do? Maybe you find it hard to prioritise your needs above others, or to assert your rights? This sounds like your opportunity....don't feel guilty about that. Embrace it, enjoy it, and rest assured, if it doesn't go to plan, it doesn't have to be permanent.