You're so pretty... "for a disabled person"
Qualifying somebody's talents, accomplishments, or even attractiveness with phrases like, "for a disabled person" or "for someone in a wheelchair" suggests that disabled people are inherently not as good or not as desirable as non-disabled people. When you tell somebody they are pretty, smart, a good writer, a good student, a good artist, a good cook, etc., adding a qualifier like "for someone in a wheelchair" reinforces the idea that the person's accomplishments only have value because the person is disabled.
Instead of viewing disability as the natural diversity that it is, qualifiers treat it as an automatic hindrance, carrying the assumption that the presence of disability automatically makes a person less of a person. They do not account for the positivity and beauty that can be found in the experience of disability, nor do they allow "disabled" to be a legitimate identity and way of experiencing the world. They do not consider the strong, powerful, and beautiful relationships forged out of the shared experience of difference. They do not acknowledge that love, beauty, and creativity can be the direct result of a disabled identity, rather than existing in spite of it. They do not demonstrate that disability has a beauty and value all its own that cannot be understood when being disabled is synonymous with failure.
@Xanthia
I could wax on lyrically with some analogies from my experiences but I think this post is about as good as it gets as it is.
Thank you very much, Xanthia :)
@Xanthia
Thank you for this.
"They do not consider the strong, powerful, and beautiful relationships forged out of the shared experience of difference. They do not acknowledge that love, beauty, and creativity can be the direct result of a disabled identity, rather than existing in spite of it."
Brilliant and articulate and true. Thank you.
OMG OMG OMG *is freaking out, please come back later*
This post is so freaking brilliant. I can't even.
*vaguely composes self*
*YOU'RE SO PRETTY* is such a wonderful compliment and then someone adds the *FOR A* and a part of me shrivels up and dies a little. I don't know if they don't realise what they are saying is incredibly offensive and derogatory, or do they think that as disabled people, we are less than? Honestly, I choose to believe that in that second, they are taken over by alien robots and their empathy is lost to the wilderness. Although I recognise this is probably not the case. (damn it xD) Saying you are pretty, or clever, or nice, FOR A WHATEVER pretty much states "the group that you are affiliated with is kinda crappy, but you are one of the less crappy people from that group" so thanks for that, humans taken over by alien robots.
It just makes people feel awful, it isn't a compliment, so either don't say anything, or say something actually flattering.
This post got kinda social justic warrior-y, sorry not sorry xD It just tugs on everything I believe in and is so beautifully written. This thread is targeted at disabilities, but it can absolutely be used for "you can throw pretty great, for a girl" "you are super smart, for a black person" etc. Again, really freaking brilliant. ♥♥
As Rea said.
This post is amazing :) Thank you!
wow thank you so much this just explains every thing perfectly
I wish i could just print this out and post it everywhere for all those people that think a backhanded compliment like that is actually good and nice.
:) Zammy Xx
Totally brilliant!
Might this be a misunderstanding on both parts?
I get the "you have such a beautiful face for a big gal". Makes me just want to cry.
Thank you for this post, it's really important and I wish everyone knew this.
"Oh, you're very normal for a disabled person!", "You're doing really well for a disabled person", "Woah, I would never tell that you're disabled, good job". Every time I hear those phrases, my internal reaction is basically "Uhm, thank you, I guess.". I'm really trying to be and to feel like a normal person, I don't need to be reminded that "I'm worse but luckily I'm not *that* worse so you don't have to put up with some weird moron instead" everyday. Being automatically nicer and easier once you hear that someone is disabled doesn't help, it worsens the situation, because the disabled person feels that they are pitied.
