Thoughts on acknowledging pain
My relationship with chronic illness and pain has always been kinda weird. I hate acknowledging that I suffer, to such a degree to where I'd break down when mentioning any parts of my condition. I've gotten better at expressing myself but I still seem to have issues with it, especially when talking about it to a nurse or doctor. I don't mind going through pain but I hate talking about it, which probably has affected my chances of getting better or receiving treatment.
As a religious person, part of my religion teaches that pain and suffering has a greater meaning. That it is part of God's plan, redemptive suffering. I used to feel very comforted from that knowledge, but now I even have a hard time talking to god about my pain. Like asking God to relieve my pain is wrong or a sin. I know that isn't true and that healings and miracles happen but for some reason, I feel exempt from that. When i was 13, I went to a well known healer. His assistant suddenly came out and like a magnet, walked over to me. We chatted for awhile and he asked me if i wanted to be healed. I said no, that it was God's plan the way I am. I think about that day a lot and wonder what could have been if I said yes.
He father always tells me to "offer up my pain to God", that "suffering is good" but...he seems to be more convinced that I should suffer than get better. The last time I expressed I was in pain, my mom mocked me and made it seem like I was being dramatic. I spent the rest of the night staying awake, because I was in so much discomfort. The last few weeks have been difficult for me and I've been thinking about these feelings a lot.
I wonder if anyone can relate to me or maybe I'm just crazy, who knows? lol
@TrueArrow
I suspect you're not crazy :) Stoical maybe, crazy not.
I don't live my life in pain, so I'm not going to pretend I know how it must feel for you. Frankly I couldn't imagine living with that, day in and day out. But I do have someone I'm very close to who has a chronic condition, for whom pain is an ever present factor. It almost seems to me at times that she forgets how bad it can be. So if she has a hospital appointment, they ask how she's doing - 'oh yes, pretty good. Everything's great actually'. I remind her that she thought her head was going to explode only two days earlier - 'no, it wasn't that bad. Nope, I'm doing great thanks'. Me - goldfish impression.
Okay, I'm rambling. My point is, when something is a constant in life, do you forget what life was like for you before pain happened? So living with pain just becomes the norm, with each day either slightly more or slightly less tolerable than the last. So there's no big 'ouch, that hurts' moment, because pain is a constant.
And then in your case, religious beliefs play a part. That God chose you to carry that pain, maybe as some sort of test, or because He saw something in you that said you would flourish with it. Let's face it, you use your experiences to provide support and compassion to others. Would you be that person without your life of pain? To me there are no obvious answers. I would imagine whatever helps you cope should be grasped onto, whatever is counter productive should be let go.
For what it's worth, I believe God is full of love, and wouldn't have wished a lifetime of suffering upon you. So stoical, crazy, just plain stubborn - whatever you want to call it, you don't deserve to suffer. God also gave people the skills and intelligence to become medics and pharmacists, healers and surgeons. He put flora and fauna upon this earth that we use to make many medications and preparations. He loves you, He made you equal to everyone else on this planet. In your shoes, I would turn to those with their medical and pharmaceutical abilities, and ask what they can do for you. And make the very best of the life you have, as free from pain as possible.
@DeborahUK
I've had a pretty bad day but I just wanted to thank you for your reply. You always have the right words, thanks Deb 
xx