Anorexia Recovery Help?
Hello.
I really don't know where to start but i'll briefly introduce myself & my situation. In late 2011 I first noticed/displayed behaviors that later evolved into full blown anorexia in January 2012. From Jan 2012 - July 2014 I suffered with this mental illness in countless, horrible ways & only my mother knew this. Well July 2014 I began my road to recovery after a health scare that was attributable to anorexia that involved a constant, fast-paced heart palpitation. It would be an understatement to say that it scared the shit out of me, which is why I began my path to recovery. Fast forward to March of 2015 when I started feeling myself slip.. Two months later and I am acknowledging behaviors of a relapse, though my weight hasn't fallen to my lowest point. (I won't share numbers here). I think I've lost between 5-8 lbs since late March/Early April due to restrictive behaviors and the like. I've never been one to starve myself completely (i.e. never gone a complete day without eating, only severely, severely compromised and restricted my meals & portions) and I don't have obsessive exercise tendencies terribly so.
I'm here because I don't know what to do. I am acknowledging that I have a problem, & that even if my physicalweight doesn't seriously show it, my mental status is skeletal. I feel retarded, like a small child even, when it comes to portioning out my own food.. And I'm a 20-some-odd year old. I'm constantly doing body-checks or worrying about how I look to others, and in comparison to others. I don't think I'm fat - I know I'm damn skinny.. even after recovery I was because I have a petite frame; I'm not even a centimeter over 5'2". I just don't know how to be without these behaviors..They've dictated my life for years upon years. They became my bible. I have never talked to any therapist, nutritionist, dietitician etc because I never had this checked out since it was only ever between my mother and I in my house. My father would probably think I was a freak-show so I'm not even about to let him in on this. My regular doctor is the only person who ever spoke the terms "eating disorder" to me after my exam last July for my weird heartbeat. I vowed to get better, and I did. I don't know how I could have stepped backwards now but I don't want to watch myself fall in reverse and I downright refuse to.
This seems rather relative but how do I get better? I would love to just adopt a meal plan myself but like I said, I don't know how to portion food.. I take what I think is "A LOT" and then reflect as I sit down and think "..is this enough?" It's a constant tug-of-war in my mind and I have horrible anxiety issues because of this. I can't sleep at night.I go from one extreme to the next like wanting to be established and my own person to never wanting to leave my mother's side. I have become extremely close to her and don't want to share her with anyone or even leave to go to work because I'm afraid to be without her. What the hell is this?? I'm afraid to go talk to someone because I don't want to regret it later, feeling as though I'm being "watched" and that anorexia is on my transcript to life forevermore after that.
Please help me. Thanks
Any personal testimony is definitely encouraged and celebrated.
p.s. I don't need anyone here to confirm I am anorexic - that's not what im looking for in posting this.. I know I have it. I haven't had a period in at least two years, im always cold, tired, irritable, cry easily, weak, worried and although no one has officially diagnosed me; I know this much is true.
I just thought I could "cure" myself on my own and I am devastated to admit I couldnt. The physical effects may have nearly cleared up briefly, yet the emotional and mental residual effects are still there like a cancer - it keeps coming back and im out of options. I feel like a teenager when it comes to the effects of my anorexia.. That im somehow, someway "invincible" and yet I know the effects of this disease. How do I fix this? Is my relapse proof that I should have gotten medical (physical and mental at that)help before?
Hi there. The biggest step is to accept that you need help. It is a massive achievement, well done you for this. This place can offer some mixed support, but you know that you must get professional help and see a therapist of get into group counselling coupled with either family based therapy (where your mum would organise your meal plans, overseen by your therapist) or outpatient visits to eat food prepared by a dietician with a group, or there might be other options available in your area. So see a doctor or contact a specialist eating disorder centre in your area as a first step.
Also, in addition to weight restoration how long does it take for a complete period to return? After I had gained some odd 10+ lbs my period still took about 2 months to return (but I'm also on a medication to bring my period on as prescribed by my dr, and I had taken it during that month so I'm not sure if that's the real reason it returned or because I was at a healthy weight) and then I never got it again? Keep in mind, I continued on eating after I got my period and it never came back. 6 months later, I'm restricting and I know now it really won't come back. If it hadn't come back before does that mean I hadn't reached my optimal weight actually? How long did other's wait for their periods to return? That's the only "true" period I've had since mid 2012, so we're talking over two years.
Also, I've begun research on the MinnieMaudguidelines, though I'm leary about this recovery process.. Is this "treatment" really recommended by doctors or are people just following this themselves without being under the supervision of medical care? If doctor's don't believe in such a protocol then I am hardly interested in trying it because I just want to get better. I was considering discussing this with my mother, so we will see. I'm reading and 2500 - 3000 calories a day seems likea lot. Now I know this is my disordered mind speaking but only partially so.. I really struggle consuming large amounts of food at one time as it makes me feel terrible, as in, I physically cannot consume large quantities in one sitting. This is where I would really struggle as I can't fathom how I'd get in that many calories in a 24 hr period. I'm currently consuming anywhere between probably 800 - 1200 a day. Any tips here in reference to minniemaud?
Thanks again.
@m3tr0st4t10n - I'm glad you're reaching out. It sounds like you're really struggling to know what your next steps should be, but that you do truly want to recover.
Is this something that you would feel comfortable discussing with a professional? Many nutritionists specialize in eating disorders and can help to find a meal plan that makes sense for you to take some of the uncertainty out of what your portions 'should' be. Some function on calories and others on exchanges (e.g., eat a certain number of starches, fats, proteins, etc. during each day), and all should be tailored to your situation.
On the mental side of things, talking to a therapist is really helpful for a lot of people - recovery from an eating disorder without help and support is incredibly difficult. If that doesn't feel like an option for you, you could also look into support groups, online therapy, etc., which might be more or less helpful to you. I don't know much about the minniemaud method that you mentioned, but if you want to know how doctors feel about it, you could ask your current doctor - it sounds like he already is aware of the eating disorder, so it might be easier to approach him about it.
If you ever need to talk, feel free to reach out to me or to any of the other listeners on this site for support. Good luck and take care