Kind of new to recovery, but feel like I'm relapsing!
So, I'm currently having CBT and things were going REALLY well.
But suddenly, I'm thinking the same 'I'm not worth it' thoughts. I'm absolutely desperate to restrict, I think I sort of am, maybe. Not massively like I used to, but enough to feel hungry. And I only have 4 CBT session left! (Of which she wants to work on my behaviours, which are as strong as ever!)
I've done loads of things to challenge myself lately, and I'm worried maybe it's too much! I've gained weight, but I don't even know if that's where these negative thoughts and actions are coming from.
I'm being forced into seeing my (triggery as hell, who hate me) family next weekend and they're putting a buffet on, which I cannot control myself around. What's worse is I'm at a Wedding reception the night before and there will be a buffet (and alcohol) there too, of which I actually want to partake in!
I'm back to the excessive drinking of Pepsi Max, green tea and chewing loads of chewing gum.
I had quite a mad weekend last weekend, which was fun and I was dealing really well with, but my body was shot to hell and I needed to work so, alongside all my normal meals, I had some fresh homemade juices, and I was feeling awesome. Then my juicer broke, causing thoughts of 'it has broken because of you. Because how good it's making you feel is wrong. You don't deserve to feel better. Look at all those calories you had over the weekend. Fatty.' And it just hasn't stopped for just under a week now.
Does anyone have any tips? How do I stay on track? Am I relapsing? Is this okay?
I'm trying. But I just end up failing both at restricting and at not restricting, so I'm just panicking and crying.
I just need...something.
@breadmakingviking - I'm sorry things are so hard right now - it sounds like you have a lot of added stressors in your life right now and at the same time are running out of CBT sessions. That's really hard, but I'm really proud of you for reaching out here for support.
With regards to the weekend (or other events like that coming up), I find it helpful to go in with a plan. To the extent that you can know what to expect, you can think through a rough plan of what you feel you should eat, as well as planned distractions if it's getting overwhelming. For instance, at the wedding, maybe you mimic the person ahead of you in line and put the same amount of food on your plate, then when you finish that plate, you go dance to avoid thinking more about it. Or maybe you know what will be served and can figure out the amount that feels right up front. Etc. And with triggering family, same thing - have a plan to calm yourself down when you need it - can you step outside and call someone who is supportive? Can you offer to take the dog for a walk / run to the store / whatever other chore you can help with that gets you a break from everyone? And most importantly, once it's done, how can you decompress - with a friend? with a movie? what will help you?
Outside of the isolated events, it sounds like you're feeling pretty stressed out about CBT ending - Is there a way to get more sessions so you can continue your progress? If not, can you talk to your therapist about how to keep what you've learned active in your life and how to apply it as you need it? What other coping mechanisms or support networks do you have?
You are strong and capable and you can get through this. You deserve to be happy.
Hey! @Anomalia
Thanks for your words!
Had another CBT session yesterday and talked through all of my worries. Feeling slightly stronger about the whole situation.
Still feeling shaky, and not really recovered at all. But today is a better day. Gonna take that was a win!
Wooooow!!!! YOU ARE ONE STRONG PERSON!!! When I was in CBT for anorexia, it didn't help me very well, so I'm glad that's the thing that's helping you. I think that you're maybe thinking about relapse because you gained weight and maybe because you're a bit scared of a change like every anorexic is, but hey, you did so many stuff, I'm really really glad to read this, you have no idea how much! Go on, you one strong person, I hope everything goes well and I agree with what @Anomalia said. It can be that it's anxiety because of ending it. Think a bit about it, you can talk with your therapist about it too. Come back here to say how it's going. We are here for you ♥
Hey!
Thank you for your kind words!!! I'm feeling better at the minute! Things are still difficult but I'm even feeling ready to tackle the guide dietary plan I was given in my first session!
Although, I'm terrified! I'm sick of being ill, so I'm putting my mind to it!
Eeep!
Hope you're well!