PLEASE help me recover? I'm desperate
I'm new here, so if anyone has any support they'd like to extend my way, that would be really appreciated. I posted this also on the anorexia thread but I'm really desperate & have received no replies yet & really, really need some guidance.
First off, I'll put a TW here as to warn those who are fragile & more vulnerable because I respect and wholeheartedly understand where you stand as I've been there. I do empathize with you. I'll also post a warning because I only want those who are motivated, or truly recovered, healthy mind-set individuals to extend their wisdom and support. I unfortunately cannot afford to be subjected to a vile mind because I'm slipping back into those behaviors & I am very sick. I want to stop myself & change for the sake of my wellbeing. Thanks for understanding.
My story in a nutshell (as it's too long & more importantly, in the past & not where I want to be today) is that i've been battling anorexia nervosa for about 4 years. I had a brief recovery period for 9 months last year into earlier this year when I relapsed both physically & mentally. I was doing so great during my recovery period & want desperately to get back there but for some reason my mind is so distorted and I can't seem get out of this "rut." Though my physical recovery has resumed itself (I gained back the 6+ lbs that fell off during relapse, which doesn't sound like a lot but I'm naturally tiny so each pound really counts before I start looking emaciated). I don't even know how much I weighed pre-ED but I assume around [edited for weight specifics / triggers by forum mentor] at 5'3. In the span of a few short weeks/months I went down to [edited] & then back to [edited] where I remained for some-odd years. This lasted until last year when I decided to recover after a health scare & got myself back to [edited], which felt great but I was still experiencing loss of menstruation, which suggests to me that I still didn't weight enough, perhaps? Any input here?? Was I not truly 'recovered'? Well, long story short I relapsed back down to 90 something lbs and now I'm back at it at [edited] and got my period after taking a dose of birth control from my dr last month. I don't even know if I'll get my period naturally next month at this weight because I am not taking the birth control again. If I don't get it again, I'll be really, really upset. I really fear that would be a red flag.. My dr does not know I have anorexia & although we discussed my restrictive eating behaviors she never considered anorexia, nor asked me about it, or recommended any kind of professional help whatsoever regarding an ED. I am appalled at how little doctors know about disordered eating...
The thing is, I want to recover. I am so exhausted mentally and it's wearing on me. I feel like I've wasted these years of my life due to my behaviors and yet I can't let them go. I can't seem to rid myself of this anorexia identity no matter how hard I try. And dammit I am trying so hard. It's such a yo-yo process with being motivated, ready & determined to fight & quit these behaviors and yet I'll still choose one of my "safe" meals or severely limit what I really crave because of what I've "already eaten" that day. I can't live this way forever.. What adult acts in this way? While I feel better physically now & can fill out my clothes a little better I'm still wearing size 0 at 20 something years old. People comment that I'm "barely there/exist" (I've had this comment twice in one day, and it broke my heart). I have an infection that would take a healthy person maybe 5 days to get over, but it's taking me upwards of 2+ weeks.
I don't know what to do. While physically I don't look as "terrible" as I have in the past, my mentality is unhealthy. I cut my food into small pieces & eat slow as to "make it last" and get upset by disrupt in my routine. I am TIRED of mentally figuring what I "can" & "cannot" eat in regards to what I ate yesterday, earlier that day or will consume tomororw. I don't want to think of the word "carbs" or "fat" anymore - I'm drained of that. I want to cry everyday and I probably do. I feel like I don't know how to eat & find myself doing more & more "weird" things in regards to eating. I hate eating with certain people & all I can remember at the end of dinner is how loud my thoughts about if I was eating enough, if I took enough xx, if I ate too fast, too slow, etc. I want to eat how I ate years ago & I don't know what happened to that girl. I can hardly remember her.
I've never had professional help as only my mother knows of my struggles. What do I do? Do I still need help? I feel "recovered" physically but only eat [edited] (that's a stretch, really) calories per day and Don't want to increase & get fat. Now I know that's disordered but it's how I feel.
Someone told me they would kill to look like me (they don't know of my ed) and my heart shattered because that's exactly what I did.. I killed myself to look this way.
That comment has stuck with me into infinity.
Please help & share personal experience. I just want to get better. Thank you.
First, thank you for reaching out here, for the support you deserve.
You have accomplished so much, and you are still striving to be healthy and move forward. You have much to be proud of, in my opinion.
Have you explored the self help guides here at 7 Cups of Tea? There are several, and one is for eating disorders, if you would like to explore that one?
I hear that you are tired, and I also hear that you are here, reaching out for support.
Please know that you are not alone. I commend your courage and tenacity as you move forward in what you have shared here with us.
@m3tr0st4t10n - My heart breaks for you reading this, and it's something I can definitely relate to. I know you are exhausted and so sick of doing this, but that it's also so hard to get the energy to do anything else. I fact that you want desperately to recover is huge, and so much more important than anything else, as is the fact that you are reaching out here.
I think the biggest thing is starting to surround yourself with recovery. That can mean a lot of things, from therapy to support groups to supportive friends and family to support networks online, but you need to have a lot of positive voices to help combat the negative ED voices. When your disordered thoughts are screaming at you to restrict or that something is enough when you know it isn't, you need other voices that you trust to help set your mind straight. What resources do you currently have? Who is your support network today?
Because you've recovered for a time before, it may help to make lists of all the reasons you want to be recovered again - what could you do then that you can't do now? What are your biggest motivations to get back to that place? And how did you get there before? What was most helpful to your recovery then, and how can you get it back now?
I know it's a slow process, so try to remember that and not get frustrated with yourself when it doesn't come fast. Work for the small victories - eating one meal that doesn't feel safe; having a few more calories than you're comfortable with; etc. And then celebrate them when you achieve them. Take each big goal one step at a time - it's slow, but you will get there and it will get easier with time.
And reach out. To friends, to family, to doctors (or at least ones who understand EDs), to me or another listener here. Reach out for the support you need and lean on others when you are too exhausted to keep doing it on your own.
You are strong and amazing and you absolutely can do this. Take care.
Wow.. Thank you so much for this. I wish I could eloquently deliver a message that could appropriately address the degree of my gratitude but I can't even find the words. I really hope thank you suffices.
I had to cry while I read this - partly in knowing that others share such a miserable battle with myself & partly because of your advice. It really made me feel like I was worthy of recovering, which I struggle with sometimes.
i fear that I am going to keep repeating these old behaviors without any source of help.. I didn't want my help to come from a professional outlet in the depths of my anorexia because I feared the lingering threat of hospitalization. I feel that im physically out of those boundaries now though my mental recovery hasn't improved much.. Im also fearful of the cost of treatment as I can't imagine burdening my parents. My mother is the only person who knows most of my anorexia struggles & yet she says a therapist isn't going to change me because I need to want to change myself and I do but don't know how anymore because obviously my attempt at self recovery backfired..
how ow did you seek help? What treatment path did you take? If you don't mind my asking..
i feel like I need someone to monitor what I eat & how much I eat. Someone to hold me accountable because I'm not doing it for myself.. I can't imagine why but at the same time I know it's because I'm sick. I feel inexplainably guilty in my decision to eat and it absolutely tortures me.. I don't want to go through the rest of my life feeling this way in the back of my mind & acting in ridiculous manners.
How do I seek help? How do I ask my mother that I get help because I need it? She is my best friend & we are really close so I can't imagine why she was so adamant about me not needing therapy k that I could do this on my own.
Thank you again so much.
I also really struggle with the debate on calorie counting. While I maintain feelings it could be detrimental to my recovery I have NO idea how many I am consuming & therefore, don't know how to "increase" properly without any sort of a baseline..
i assume (based off rough calculations/guesstimates) that I am coming in somewhere between 1000-1300 a day..
i don't even know how many calories a recovering anorexic should consume so that's another quandary of mine.
thanks again & I apologize for the endless rambling.
