Downwards Spiral
Hi!
So about a week ago I wrote a forum post about what was happening to me, and it seems I have taken a new turn. I do still feel sick at the sight and the thought of food, but I went on a huge binge eating session today... and I have never felt more guilty in all my life. I ate a tube of Pringles (even though after 3 or 4 Pringles, I started to feel full and sick) ... I don't know what to do anymore. I thought I could control everything, but it seems that I can't!
Does anyone else have this? Can anyone help me?
It just seems that I'm going down a path that I don't want to, and it's scary - very scary!!
In other news, I find I am drinking a lot more, but it seems to be orange juice (which just fills me up), Pepsi Max, water and lemonade!
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm going in a downwards spiral and can't find a way back up.
Hey, @StrawberryMilkshakeandOreos. It looks like you are having a difficult time at the moment. I am sorry that things are rough. Dealing with an eating disorder is never easy and it acts up at times more than at other times. It looks like you were showing restrictive behavior but as your body is unaware of that so even when you do feel full and sick it goes into starvation mode so when you did start to eat, you couldn't stop, it is actually quite a common behavior in ED. I am glad that at least you are drinking something, its alright to drink things that are good for you like orange juice. It looks like you are struggling with balance. Can you recall anytime when you managed a situation like this in a healthy way?
Hey, @Hope. I think it went down to feeling stressed and very low as my parents left me to go on holiday. I am 19, but I rely on them a bit, even though they don't know about the ED! 
I totally understand what you are saying about starvation mode - I still get it to this day, but I'm trying to eat little and often. I'm finding myself having 2 wraps at lunch, nothing for breakfast and a cooked meal at dinner time. So, things might be looking up a bit! As with this ED behaviour, I find myself either eating loads, or hardly eating! For example, today I had nothing for breakfast, I had some custard at lunch with some crisps and I had just chips for dinner - and I have never felt more sick in my whole life!
I've seen to have lost over 2 stone in the space of time from my first post, to this reply! The thing is, I feel so much larger and feel like I've put weight on, and I just want to loose it! It's so confusing with everything! I feel like I've added more fat to my body, and I see it in the mirror and I just want to remove it - but even people are saying I'm not as large as I think! I even went to the doctors today because of my anxiety and my PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome) and my mum brought up how I lost weight a few years ago and said that I skipped meals at lunch and that I went down to being really skinny, yet for me, I was still that size 16 girl, even though I was at a 10-12 size of clothes. The doctor didn't say much, only that I would put the weight back on because it wasn't healthy to do.
I'm drinking much more water at the moment, but I have found myself with a mouth ulcer which makes it painful to swallow and eat because it is on the side of my tounge, right at the back! 
As for trying to manage the situation above in a healthy way, I have never come across this, and if I did, then I wouldn't eat and I would wait until my next "big" meal. 
This totally sucks, and I get that, but I guess I could've had some fruit or made myself something healthy, or even drink more orange juice, just so I get some healthy vitamins and minerals in me. I fully get that my body needs it, but at times when I eat something greasy or too large for me, I do want to bring it back up - but I never can because the thought of doing it terrifys me and I can never bring myself to do it, so it soaks into my body and I have more fat that builds up because of this. It's really hard to find a balance when I have no support system really and I'm left alone all day and my parents come back later, due to their work, I'm kind of alone all day and I have nothing to do!
But in all honesty, I am not totally sure what is going on with me at the moment and I certainly do not know what is going to happen next... all I know is, I'm going to try and take each day as it comes! 
Hey
Ive had this a lot. When you starve your brain it just suddenly wants to eat everything. And i think that may be the same for everyone. It does feel so out of control. Hope youre okay today
Hey, @Ella819. I am so glad to hear that I am not the only one going through this and that there are others out there too that can relate. Even though it's not the best thing to relate to, it gives me comfort knowing that others have struggled with this too! Sometimes I feel so alone and that there is no one out there to listen to me or understand how I am feeling. So, for that, thank you! 
I guess it is all in the brain and when I starve it, it gets hangry at me and wants to punish me by making me eat and eat and eat! I guess I will have to try some healthy alternatives to this feeling. Maybe I'll get stuck into a new hobby?
I think I'm doing okay at the moment and I feel okay in myself, I just have hardly no energy anymore and feel stuck between a rock and a hard place - but I hope you're doing okay! 