Maybe I just need to speak out
I don't know why I'm writing it, probably i would not even be able to response because of anxiety, but I guess I need to speak out here to not relapse completley. (also English is my second language so sorry for mistakes)
I suffered from bulimia from age 14-15 till 19-20, I've always been chubby kid (though now when I look back to my childhool photos I just see a normal kid, but everyone told me that I am fat), and been pushed to lose weight since I can remember myself. Also my mother struggle with bulimia as long as I can remember her too. When I recovered completley my weight was pretty normal and comfortable. But last two years my anxiety developed and depression relapsed, also I was diagnosed Hypothyroidism for some reason and had to take antidepressants and hormonal treatment, and in pair with compulsive overeating because of stress I gained weight again, more than ever in my life. I tried "healthy eating" and exercising for some time, and hadn't lost a bit. Because of that I asked my therapist to take me off from my meds ans conciously skipped my hormones intakes. Of cousre it was a bad idea and made everything worse.
Now I'm loosing some hair because of skipped hormones, had depression but afraid to take meds because of my weight, but some last drops are what my family and friends are telling me almost every day what I am fat and what I need to lose weight, what I don't need to eat and when I try to reminnd them that the recovery was really hard and painful for me, I was told "wow that was a long time ago, I can't even remember you this way, so now you just fat and need to lose weight :)". This last part happened today and I can't stop thinking about it, can't stop thinking about purging again (it lasts for a couple of month already) and I feel what I really close to just give up everything.
Thank you if you could make it till the end of my story.
@Ohgodwhy hey there. This was tough to read and I'm sorry, I can't even imagine what you must have gone through all these years. I hope things turn around for you and they get better. I also hope that you work on your happiness and what you want to do with your life. People will always put you down and they will always say things but the important thing is to do things for yourself and not for others 
I look forward to hearing back from you about your progress and hurdles, if you would like that. We are here for you and I wish you happiness
@Viana thank you so much for listening
@Ohgodwhy - I am so sorry to hear that the people around you haven't been supportive - it's unfair of them to call you fat and to tell you what you should and shouldn't be eating - that's no one's business except for you and your doctors! And I understand how scary it can be to think about different side effects from medication that might happen. Do you feel like it's possible to talk to your doctors about what options you have and how you might be able to balance between the treatment you need and the side effects you fear?
Wishing you well! If you want to talk more, you're always welcome to reach out. <3
@Anomalia thank you so much for your answer. Tomorrow I am going to my psychotherapist after a long break and I hope that we could work this out.
