Freaking out over weight gain from [edited] calories! *TW?*
So , I have been staying faithfully on my recovery meal plan for about 3 months...except the last 4 days....in which I have been fasting and eating one small meal.
But - I jumped on the scale this morning and GAINED [edited] freaking pounds from eating [edited] calories ( clean food - not junk food).
Did I gain because I am back to fasting and mybody is hanging onto the calories?
Or maybe just weight fluctuations?
But - [edited] POUNDS!
I am FREAKING OUT!
If anyone has any advice or imput, I could really use it.
and on the recovery side - I AM going to go back to my recovery meal plan on Thursday...bc I HAVE to in order to get back into sanity and recovery - but also - because I have to in order to stay in my IOP program and not be put back into a higher level of care.
I just don't understand how I can GAIN [edited] pounds :(
I am devistated.
[edited by Anomalia to remove weight and calorie specifics]
food weight and water retention my friend, bodies do what they want most of the time and we dont really have a clue why haha
i hope you truly do want to recover, im sure you know that life can be so much better without an ed. take care and use what you can from your iop, work that treatment!
@merexdith
Hehehehe - I should have taken that down but don't know how.
That was my high point of freaking out and letting that ED back into my llife.
I DO want to revover. I just had some a moment where the ED voice was so much stronger than my voice of wanting to recover.
UPDATE:
I stopped undereating yesterday and went right back to my recovery meal plan.
Still can Not, not weigh myself in the morning - but I did already, yesterday, make a firm commitment to no matter what I weighed this morning - I would continue staying on the meal plan .
Thank you for that lil wake up call and telling me straight ( " I hope you still want recovery")
I actually needed that! HUGS.
@blissedNblessed
It's still okie to freak out <3 my therapist says it's how you handle the freak outs that matter <3 *huggles*
@blissedNblessed
I'll share my experience. This will probably be a scary thing for you and you do not have to do this at all I just wanted to share it <3 my mom threw away the scale a long time ago. It's like ripping the band-aid off. I cried, had freak outs, lied and bought more scales but she would throw them out too. I also found places to weigh myself at the mall bathroom. But when you say your behaviors people hold you accountable in real life. I don't know if that helped but you're not alone in this struggle <3 sometimes reward jars help like giving yourself marbles for fighting a urge to weigh yourself. Then treat yourself to something fun will you fill the jar. It's okie to have urges and we can always beat them but it's how you grow from it and do a little better each time <3
@summertimeSamness
I like that you called it as thought it were ripping a bandaid off - that is so right on...and so what I need to do.
I do not have anyone to keep me accountable - plus - i have two scales, one of which is one of those really big dr scales - ugh, can't even pick that up.
I an not ready to throw out the scale - but - i have a plan!
Put a piece of electrical tape On the scale to cover up the numbers!
That way I can still give into weighing, but won't know the number - so, gradually my intense desire/urge to weigh will deminish bc I do not get to see the number, so the habit/ritual of weighing myself is pretty much for nothing.
I am hoping this will work!
Wish me luck with this!
hahahha - what I need is a scale that does not say numbers , but rather"
- you are beautiful
- you shine from the inside out
- why are you on here? a number doesn't define your worth
- you are more poiwerful than you think
ect......
heheheheheh!
Validation scale:D
@blissedNblessed
That sounds like a good plan and yup that would be a awesome scale <3
@summertimeSamness
I have the tape already.
I am TERRIFIED to do this.
Not bc I could not just rip it off and find out - but bc when I put it on, I am making a commitment to reducing my weigh ins and their importance.
I am commiting to NOT removing the tape.
And, I am doing this : TODAY!
@blissedNblessed
How's it going? <3
@summertimeSamness
Horrible.
I can't do this.
im 100 percent, completley back to my ED and I can not stop - total out of control.
I am not able to recover at this level of care (intensive outpatient). Wrote a message to my treatment team last night - told them all my behaviors that are back and getting worse and how I physically/emotionally can not get better on my own anymore or just meeting for 3 hours, 3x a week.
Looks like on monday or tuesday i will know where they are sending me - back to partial hospitilization program ( which I have already Been to) - or - a different program all together.
I am terrfied to go back to a high level of care for treatment, but, I am MORE terrified to keep going on like this.
And I knew by Monday I would chicken out and NOT tell them - so i wrote the message.
I hope this time around It clicks for me bc im so ready to give up on myself soon.
@blissedNblessed
It's okie to need more support <3 It's hard for me to describe what having my ED feels like to other people so I say it feels like this...a invisible, huge rock that I'm carrying all the time. It's really heavy and my arms are tired from holding it. Every time I go to throw the rock or let go of the rock, it's stuck to my hands like super glue. My listener friend on here @anomalia told me by letting other people help you, they can chip away at the rock and over time and it gets smaller. So each treatment thing you do helps the rock get smaller. Because it is a huge rock, it feels impossible to carry. It's okie to need support carrying the rock. I beeleaf in you and your recovery <3
@summertimeSamness
Thank you <3
That means a lot to me.
I don't even know how I am going to get through until Monday when I can talk to someone at the program about further help ( again, ugh).
And I feel like a failure that all the treatment I have already been through didn't work.
And my ED behaviors are getting worse and worse and are consuming my whole day:(
I really dont know how I am going to get through today and tomorrow and until Monday night...the only way I can think of is to try and sleep until Monday afternoon :/
I am going to try to clean my house today ( have to) and then take some meds and hopefully sleep until Monday.
I hate myself, I hate my life and this is NO quality of life at all....I am NOT suicidal - at all - bc then that gives me no chance of living a good life, ED free.
But - wake up in the mornings now and say, damn : I woke up :(
@blissedNblessed
just a friendly reminder that going through treatment doesnt always ‘fix you. granted ive never been to an ed specific treatment, i cycled through iop, php, and ip a handful of times for general mental health, and even then it was still hard.
the fact that part of you truly does want to recover and give yourself that shot as a happy ed free life is wonderful, and i sure hope that spark hasnt completely fizzled out yet.
stepping back up to php or even changing programs doesnt mean you failed, it doesnt mean your ed is going to take control of you again, it simply means you need a bit more help. and theres nothing wrong with that. as mentioned before, youre chipping away at that giant rock so that you can turn it into a little pebble you can one day throw into a lake or something. baby steps towards the real goal.
i hope monday goes well for you with your treatment team, were all here to support you as well! take care <3
Part of recovering is having to gain a few. It
@determinedstar91
true, true.
I am Trying so freaking hard to not worry and not obsess - i am just having a lot of trouble with recovery right now :(
Need a higher level of care - not makig it at all at this level :(
And I hate myself for it.