Maybe I have an eating disorder?
For context, I live in a small town and have seen a counselor who suggested that I likely have an eating disorder but she wasn’t qualified to make a diagnosis and I don’t have the opportunity to see a specialist. So, basically I’ve been dieting sinceI was in the second or third grade. My sisters were always very skinny and I was the chubby one, but around sixth grade both of them gained weight. I saw that and thought about how massive I would get if I followed that trend. When I hit 5th grade I started restricting. By the seventh grade I wasn’t eating more than one meal a day and would normally throw it up afterwards. Near the end of ninth grade I started commuting myself to recovery, but I recently hit a weight which my sister had been at when all she could talk about was how ugly and fat she was. This really triggered me and I’ve started restricting again. I also use exercise and purging to supplement the calories I can’t afford. I don’t know what to call it. My parents know about it but they don’t really care because they all diet too. My dad and oldest sister create a lot of shame around food so when she’s home I don’t eat much anyway. Even if I tried to recover it wouldn’t matter because my sisters are coming home and they eat almost all our food. Free diet I guess. Anyway, I’m not quite sure what to call it but I’m kinda worried about the health side effects. Thoughts?
@PorcupineRay I'm not a professional, so I can't diagnose anyone with an eating disorder, but I think that whether or not it is one (and if a counselor thinks it's likely, there is a fairly good chance it is), if it is negatively impacting you, then it's serious and deserves help. And from what you've said it definitely sounds like it's negatively impacting how you feel, and the actions you're taking like purging are definitely unhealthy. To me that says it's definitely worth getting support and working on healing, whether or not you have a formal diagnosis.
It also sounds like it's been pretty tough comparing yourself to your sisters, and I get that - it can be hard to see other people's reactions to their own bodies and not internalize those thoughts. But your body is your own, and no matter what size you are, you can be beautiful. What would it feel like to refocus attention on strength or on flexibility or on something else you value rather than on weight alone?