My horrible self esteem fuels my eating disorder
Hiya I'm sort of new here but just sort of wanted to vent..
I always go on and off my eating disorder habits.. I have never been diagnosed but I know counting my calories and weighing myself and judging my body isn't healthy.. If I am actually happy there will be a pause in it and I actually feel like I can eat and that little voice goes away but when I am depressed it goes spiralling all down again.
Something that seems to make my ed a lot worse is my horrible self esteem.. I will constantly look at "perfect" girls and wish I could be like them so my mind goes to the idea of skinny.. if I'm skinny I'll be perfect like these girls and everyone will love me....
I also get super paranoid in my relationship afraid of getting cheated on or that my SO is looking at attractive girls so if I am skinny he will only look at me and worry about me.
so sort of a wanting attention type of issue to.. if I am extremely skinny then everyone will notice me.
I am at what is considered a healthy bmi but I always look at myself and think I am fat and ugly..
It feels sort of good to vent.. I hope I am not the only one who feels this way.
@SnowPup - Welcome - I'm glad you're here! And you are definitely not the only one who feels this way...I think a lot of people can relate to those thoughts and feelings (I know I definitely shared some of them when I was struggling with my eating disorder).
On the topic of self esteem, I think it can be really tough when self esteem feels tied so exclusively to size, and I get how it can be easy to see people who look "perfect" and think that their lives must be, too, because of how they look, but I want to challenge you to look at things differently. When you think about people that you admire, what do you admire about them? Is it only how they look? Or is it something else - that they are kind, that they are courageous, that they stand up for what they believe in, that they work really hard, that they care for others, etc.? What are traits that you value in others that have nothing to do with how they look?
Similarly, what are goals you have that are unrelated to looks and size? What are things you want to accomplish? What are skills you're working to develop? What are achievements you want to see?
I think that exploring other ways of seeing value in yourself outside of just the outside packaging can help to build up self esteem and to make it easier to find happiness with who you are as a person and joy in life.
