GF Relapsnig

Hi there,

Thanks for sharing. Unfortunately I don't have any advice..there might be someone on here eventually that will talk to you. If it were me, i would just google and try to find lots of resources.

Obviously i'm coming from a totally different viewpoint...haven't dealt with this myself. But I would just be honest and say something like "look, i honestly don't know what to say to make you feel better. I'm tredding on eggshells. I wanna help".

@fightoffyourdemonsnow - First of all, she is incredibly lucky to have someone in her life who cares so much and wants to help. And doubly so that you are actually taking the time to look into what is and isn't helpful because a lot of it can be counter-intuitive or complicated, like you pointed out.

There is no perfect answer to this, and to some extent it's most helpful to have an open conversation with her about how you want to help and asking her what would be most helpful. That said, I have a few things that I think are usually pretty helpful and would be happy to talk in more detail if you PM me.

- Avoid focusing on her looks - as you've pointed out, that can lead to greater emphasis on them. Instead, try complimenting her on other things that are unrelated to looks - a skill she does well, the effort she puts into something, all the things you love about her, etc.

- Make it clear that you are there for her, no matter what. Often people can fear that if they talk about it too much they will drive people away, so being open to talking about her eating disorder or not talking about it when she doesn't want to will make her feel more comfortable coming to you for support.

- Recognize that sometimes it's easier for her to talk to people who have been there. It can be hard not to be the go to person for someone you love, but oftentimes she needs that understanding that only comes from going through it. Support groups are an amazing thing for this and many let partners go along, as well, which could be a good way for you to help support her and understand more

- Focus on the emotions rather than the habits. Instead of asking her why she isn't eating or if she's eaten enough that day, ask how she's feeling and where those emotions are coming from. Try to address the reasons she feels like she needs to restrict.

- Make sure she does know that you are okay if she doesn't feel veganism is a good option for her right now. When you have a history of restricting, putting restrictions on your diet can be really triggering, and it might not be a healthy move for her right now.

- Have conversations that have nothing to do with her eating disorder. Sometimes it can start to feel like everything is about that and that there is nothing light or fun left - try to find ways to get some fun in, too so that your lives aren't revolved solely around this one thing.

- Ask what she found helpful when she was recovering last time and if any of that might help again this time around.

- Be patient, loving, and understanding and know that this will take some time to work out.

You can also check out this post for more thoughts. Thank you for caring for her, and don't forget to take care of yourself through this, too.

Thank you both for your answers, it's lovely to see there is a support network here.

It's difficult because I never knew her when she was unwell before - when I first met her, it was the happy, "recovered" her. She went travelling for a couple of months went to a meditation retreat and decide to become vegan. I know this spiked her at the time and she has been far more focussed on exercising (or dealing with wanting to exersise, but knowing she's doing it for the wrong reasons).

She says that it isn't restricting her, but I can't see how it wouldn't, as I find it restricting and I don't have an ED.

At the moment, I feel afraid of touching her too much - I want her to feel sexy, but don't want to focus on that. I know in the past she has receeded into herself and cut out all sexual contact with other partners, which damaged the relationship and I don't want that to happen here...

Sorry for being quite graphic.

@fightoffyourdemonsnow - Is the sex piece something you feel like you can talk to her about? I don't think you need to be afraid of touching her. As long as your relationship isn't exclusively about sex and other physical things, I think it's okay. Just make sure you're communicating with her about what her boundaries are and how she's feeling and make sure she knows that it's okay if she feels like she needs a break from it, etc.

There are also a lot of ways that you can provide comforting touch that don't have to be specifically about her body. I know when I was in recovery, I really appreciated caring touch in the form of hugging, hand holding, kisses on the forehead, etc. to show me that the person was still there. But again, it's all a matter of what works for your relationship, and only you and she will know that.

Take care and keep reaching out if we can help support you!