Need To Vent
I'm not sure what to TW this with, my head is too jumbled to figure it out
I was talking to my mom today, I know so cliche its always the mother, and she commented on my body and how I'm thick. I hate it. I hate everything about my body. My proportions are so ugly, only small parts of me are thin and the rest is thick. I hate it. It feels like I'm built like a popsicle stick, thin on the bottom and disgustingly thick on top. I look so ugly. And I can't even tell what my body looks like at night. Last night I thought my legs looked long and thin, but thick at the very top. This morning they just feel thick and fat. And I hate it. I want to just be okay with my body. I want to feel okay with my looks, and how clothes fit on me. I just want this to stop. I don't want to hear more comments from my family about how fat I am, or how I look like I've gained weight. I want them to be proud of me. I want to be thinner. Not unhealthily thin, just thin. I don't want to be underweight most days, but on the really rough days I feel like it would just be easier for me. That I'd be better off with them telling me I look sick, or say the usual "you need a cheeseburger" type of stuff. Because this. Them calling me fat, and thick, and unhealthy and a glutton, it hurts so much. I've been big all my life and I am sick of it. I am tired of not buying things I like simply because they'll call me fat in it. I am so tired of this. I just want to be at a healthy weight, I just want to be healthy, I've been overweight for too long. I've been st-rving myself on and off for so long and I've never left this fatness and I am so tired. I am tired of things not working. I *** some of my teeth up from purging, and I think now I am *** up my hair from starving, but I can't even tell. I'm just. I'm tired. I'm so stressed and it just makes it worse. I feel like I don't deserve to eat, and that feeling is all the time now. I want to go back, before I got this bad. I just. I want to go back before I was tired.
@kaola
It is a vicious cycle and friends and family can and do say things that they may view as well meaning but they do not see how it is coming across to you. ........we are all built differently and our bodies do NOT react the same as the next person .... so the " advice" is often way off the mark
Healthy is what we can strive for but even that could be interpreted differently. i was always thick in comparison to siblings for example i could not always wear what i liked on a store rack as it fits differently. i found what works for me not trying to wear items that simply do not work....
I understand the pain and hurt and know that is why so many have eating issues.
you know that damage is being done either thinning hair or teeth issues...but between the starving your self and purging etc you could be causing damage you do not see. metabolism and internal issues. you are OK ....... just as you are....... if you want to lose weight or improve your health in YOUR EYES only fine.
i gained weight a few years ago HATE the photos... i have struggled but once i did things FOR me .....no one else i toned up/ lost some weight not as much as some would think....... but once i internalized the good comments and i look at myself i see not perfection but good and i feel good. i simply do not care about being what someone else thinks. i know easier said then done but trying to be something else is a path of destruction.
