Eating Disorder Community - How do you actually feel today?
I've relapsed. I knew it was coming and today's the day. That's why I'm on here. I haven't stepped on a scale since I've recovered but I'm planning to. I haven't cut in over a year but the thought has popped up a few times...
@Emilyrarely - I'm proud of you for reaching out when you're feeling like you're relapsing. Relapse is often a part of the recovery process and if it does happen, it's important to acknowledge it and understand why it happened and how to avoid it in the future, then to forgive yourself and move forward. And if you need some extra support along the way, you can always reach out here to a listener to talk, work through how you're feeling, get support, etc. We are here for you.
For now, just try to be kind and forgiving with yourself and do what you need to in order to get back on track with recovery. You can do this. You are strong and capable and brave and you can do this.
Every time I eat something I feel fat and bloated, even if it's something small, like a granola bar. I also avoid liquids almost entirely, because whenever I drink something I feel bloated. I'm worried about relapsing and as of late I've been eating less and less and barely drinking anything. I know it's terrible for me, especially since I go to the gym 3 days a week and I'm on the school tennis team, but I can't stop. I feel like these thoughts are starting to control me and I don't feel comfortable in public anymore because I'm afraid people are looking at me and thinking I'm fat and I can't stop comparing myself to others. I just wish I was thin again.
@OpenFire - First of all, I'm proud of you for recognizing what's going on and reaching out here. That took a lot of courage. It seems like you know that what you're doing isn't sustainable or healthy for your body, but it's hard to stop on your own. Do you feel like you have people you can talk to about it or ask for support?
Actually, yeah, both my Mom and my aunt have gone through eating disorders as well, and I've been working through my mom to help and I've been put on medication for anxiety related to eating and my body image. It works some of the time, but almost everytime I eat something, I feel bloated; it's worse around lunchtime because I'm surrounded by so many people. I'm also afraid of drinking anything except water and occasionally juice
I am really anxious right now because I am going out to eat at a burger place and a burger and fries is a big fear food of mine and I don't like eating in front of people
@Meltingfall21 - Your anxiety is definitely understandable - combining a stressful activity with a fear food is never easy. How did it go? Were you able to get through it alright and keep calm? Always here to talk if you need to. <3
Not feeling great today had a relapse last night after going for chinese for dinner and feeling proud then without thinkng I went home and binged then purged as i could stop eating :(
Trying to stay upbeat today and hopefully eat well without dwelling too much on yesterday
@purplegreen - You have absolutely the right attitude! It's frustrating and upsetting to slip when you've been feeling good, but it happens and it's a part of the process. Now you just need to do exactly what you are - try not to dwell on it and do the best you can today!
i really need to stop eating..i can't do this anymore.. i'm so lost. nobody understands...idk what to do anymore...my mind screams for feeling hungry...to calm me down.. to get back in control...i'm so done
@Shallan - I think that posting this is a sign that you don't really want to give up on recovery. I think there's a part of you that still want's to fight and beat this eating disorder, and I know that you can.
There's a quote that always helped me:
"The minute you think of giving up, remember the reason why you held on for so long."
Why have you held on for so long? What's your reason to recover? What do you have to gain by fighting back?
I just want to vent. I wrote earlier that i had gastric bypass surgery. And that was more than 3 months ago. I feel so sad. I miss good. It is so annoying to see all the ppl eating and enjoying food around me. I do understand that it is better for my health and I'm aware of all the positive thing for this surgery but i do miss binging. Miss eating too much. I miss eating hot food bcuz all food gets very cold bcuz it took me hours to finish a sandwich. I miss eating heavy food bcuz now it makes me sick. I don't want to eat like a baby. It is just how i feel. I feel deprived, and sad. I'm so depressed. I do feel lame and silly. That is why i can't express this to ppl around me. Although also when i was able to binge eat so much food i was also so sad. Sorry but i just wanted to vent.
@politeCup86 - It's totally okay to need to vent, and just because a decision was for health doesn't mean it's easy or fun or that you're always glad you made it. Totally understandable to miss being able to enjoy food as you used to. I don't know a lot about the surgery, but over time will you be able to better enjoy the foods you used to as long as they are in smaller portions? Are there things you've found that make you feel less deprived?
@Anomalia
Thanks for your kind reply. Your words r true. I guess it's a matter of time to get my mind to understand that he can enjoy this small portion that I can eat instead of relating happiness to the amount of food i eat. Which is really hard :( and i donnow when I will be able to reach that level
I'm feeling so beaten up right now. 2 months clean and I relapsed the other night. I don't know what's going on! I just fell into this deep hole that it didn't matter anymore and it didn't help that I heard my crush call someone else gorgeous. I don't know what she looks like but I couldn't help but think that maybe she's prettier, skinnier than me and there is no way I could compete with that. So here I am at school trying to fight the urge to purge my class is 50 mins away and its tearing me up from the inside out.
@decembernight0608 - I know how incredibly hard it is to have a setback after so much success for the last two months, but please try to remember that the setback doesn't have to define your recovery. Recovery isn't about taking a straight path forward and never slipping, it's about continuing to get back on the path, even when there are obstacles in the way.
A girl in my support group once told me that she had a jar and she put a marble in it every day that she didn't restrict/binge/purge. I asked her if when she did one of those things she emptied the jar to start over and she said no. That absolutely blew my mind because I had always felt like I had to start over, but she said that those days had still happened. Every day she had put a marble in was a day she didn't hurt her body, and no matter what happened the day before or the day after, they still counted. And she was absolutely right.
This is hard now, but the best thing you can do is understand what triggered you, think about how to avoid it in the future or how to deal with it differently, and then let it go and move forward. Today is a new day and a new chance to be back on track. Earn another marble today and I guarantee down the road, you won't even remember that yesterday was a day you missed.
You can do this. You are too strong not to keep going!
going to eat pizza now...i'm honestly scared of the consequences...what if i gain weigh...gosh i want to get rid of this kind of thoughts.. i'm so done with that. i hate living in fear of food and the scale..how do i deserve this?!
@Shallan - You don't deserve it. You deserve the freedom from these thoughts and the ability to feel joy and exhuberance and to truly enjoy going out with friends, etc. You can do this! Try to view this pizza as a victory over a fear!
@Anomalia i tried...but afterwards i just felt bad again...hating myself...it's crazy...i thought it was okay to eat it..i felt good..but it seems to be a bad idea to eat..no matter what or when
@Shallan - those feelings are normal, and it's okay to feel that way. I'm still proud of you for taking on the challenge. Now, just try to find something that helps you feel less anxious about it and to move forward. Take care and be safe.
I'm so fat. I feel absolutely disgusting. I was gagging all day because not only do I have to eat, but a lot today because it's thanksgiving. I feel so gross. I just want to cleanse myself somehow, but I know that won't happen until I lose weight. I just need to drop like 40 pounds.
@ScreamingForSanity - I'm sorry Thanksgiving was such a hard day for you - holidays are often extra stressful when struggling with an eating disorder. But now it's over. You've survived it. And you can resume normal eating and recovery. Try to put that stress behind you, find an activity that calms you down, and focus on today only, not what happened before or what will happen later. You can do this.
I am tired. So tired. Physically and mentally. I hate what Ive become. I hate that I dont really want to recover cause it means gaining weight... I have an appointment with a new therapist tomorrow. It scares me so much. I will also have my first appointment with a psychiatrist this week. Im scared of everything that will result. It will be so difficult and I dont have this strenght.
@dreyy96 - You're right. It is difficult. And it is scary. But you're wrong about one thing - you absolutely do have the strength for this!
I know how tired you are, and this will take work, but it will also give you life back. You'll gain that energy, that joy, and that meaning outside of calorie counting and restricting. You'll reclaim your life. And you can do it. This is the first step.
Good luck tomorrow, and don't hesitate to reach out if you need some extra support!
@dreyy96 Let me tell you something. No matter if you eat 1200 calories a day or 3000 (the latter is actually best for an underweight person in recovery), the weight you gain is mostly water weight. You're going to feel horrible.
I know that recover means gaining weight and eating more, but you are stronger than your ED. You are going through with recovery. You shared all of this on 7cups. You are amazing. I want to say that even if you gain 20 pounds, it'll even out if you keep eating enough. If you can stick to eating well and healthy. It;s how our bodies work. So if you eat a lot and you're in recovery, and you end up gaining a lot, no worries at all! It is so, so, so normal. I can't even say how normal that is. You will lose weight gradually is you keep eating enough. You'll get to your best self. I promise.
Good luck if it hasn't already happened already! 7cups has tons of listeners that can support you so well. Reach out if you'd like <3
@dreyy96
I feel exactly like you. I don't want to recover because it means being fat. So scared of that. I am fat right now and it is freaking me out!!