Anger towards parents
I wrote a post earlier but wanted to express some other things. I am having a really hard time defining what kind of relationship I want with my parents. I feel a lot of anger towards them for their views and beliefs and I want to talk to them about these things but I have no idea what exactly I want to say to them or what my goal would be in talking to them. Part of me really just doesn’t want to talk to them or engage with them at all. I feel that I really need to talk to them about the main dividing factors between us, which are politics and some of their views and beliefs. I really want to have a far-reaching conversation with them about all of this but I’m not sure what my main goal or objective will be and I think I have to define that really carefully so that I can have any chance at a productive conversation.
I want to stay connected to them but only if they are willing to talk to me and listen and try to understand my views. If they are willing to change some of their beliefs or be challenged then I think that I can continue having a relationship with them, but I find it really hard to imagine that I will be able to continue having a relationship with them if they are not willing to talk to me about some of the things that are bothering me. If they are not willing to talk to me and listen then I think I just have no interest in continuing to have a relationship with them. But I feel like I’m not brave enough to say any of this to them and I don’t think they have any idea that I feel like this.
They know that I have been really distant and that there are a lot of things disconnecting me from them and I think they can sense that there are a lot of things I am angry about but I don’t think they really understand what is going on and I don’t think they understand exactly what I am angry about.
I feel like I really need to talk to them but I’m not sure what I want to say and I definitely think that I need to think carefully about what I want to say to them before I have a conversation with them so that it is actually a productive conversation. If I don’t think carefully about what my intention and reason for talking to them is, I can easily see the conversation just being a mess and leaving a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. I know I need to think more about this and actually do something or else I will just have all of this repressed anger and frustration that will just cause me stress and is bad for me. I know I have to talk about all of these things and actually address them and face them and not just ignore them. This is the work that I have to do. I think I can do it but I am scared to.
Does anyone else relate to these feelings or have any thoughts on what my next steps should be?
Hi, @eumesmo I understand your anger and frustration. It's alarming when our parents have a different set of beliefs from us and want us to follow them no matter what. At times we'll like to share ours. thoughts and beliefs and make them understand but both the parents and ourselves need to get clarity about what we want and what we like to achieve from the conversation. Simply open-minded to listen to each other.
As we defend our views parents may defend theirs. It's only a natural right. But what we are trying is not to win the conversation but to preserve the relationship between us and more understanding.
So I think it's better if you can think of some common grounds and appreciate each other's values so that the understanding deepens.
I kike how you mentioned what are the things you like to talk about so that the conversation becomes productive. It's a good one. I would also recommend you to listen to them carefully before sharing your views so that they also learn and do as same as you do.
I hope this helps. Communication is always the key. Have this convoy when both are ready to listen and share. (:
Honestly I am not sure preserving the relationship is my goal. I think it’s more about authenticity, honesty, and congruence with my own values. Like I want to tell them the truth about how I feel. I want them to know that I am super angry about a lot of things and hurt and offended by things they have said and done. So I guess it’s more about just being honest and truthful in general and not feeling like I have to hide and repress who I am…. @hopezzy
@eumesmo is okay. You can share your feelings for sure. It's up to them to embrace the belief. Likewise, it goes for them they can share their feelings but shouldn't force their belief on you. I hope the conversation will go good.
We’ll see, I think I’m too scared to have the conversation right now. Just because I think it won’t go well and I don’t know if personally I’m in a good enough place to deal with any possible blowback. But I think this is something I should talk about in therapy, I haven’t really explored it as much as I need to…
@eumesmo yes please seek helpnfrom therapy too. I hope it goes well
@hopezzy
@eumesmo
I have a similar situation with a sibling. I miss our old relationship, but I don’t know how to communicate with them. I tried before, in smaller conversations. They didn’t get it then, I doubt they will get it now. So I don’t know that I want to try. Seems like lots of work and likely not the result I would like. Instead I share my thoughts with a therapist. Best of luck, I know this is really hard.
This is exactly how I feel towards my father. I have tried talking to him but it didn’t goes as planned. He doesn’t believe he has done anything wrong towards me. I just felt like I left more hurt than I started.
Now we see each other when we see each other. If we talk we keep it pretty basic. It’s not what I want but it’s what I get. Sometimes hashing it out , just makes it worse.
@ladybug0806 This is what I'm afraid of in speaking candidly with my own father. What if I just feel worse? But at the same time, I know that talking to him, whether it's a net positive or not, is something I need to do. I will regret it if I don't try.
I have feelings like this as well, family can be very stressful. Especially when they keep talking and not willing to even think about accepting other people's ideas. I can only tell you what I'm doing at the moment.
I wrote all my thoughts down, I didn't think about it. I just wrote everything and it was gibberish of scribbles, all scattered on paper. Afterwards I took each thought and wrote them down neater. I then rated them from what I deemed important and what I realized as I was writing was just small pet peeves that grew into a bigger deal then it should have been. Then I wrote down the worst and best scenario I could think of, if I was to tell this.
I have talked about certain things with my family, but not the major ones (baby steps for me, since I need to work up the courage).
Maybe my method will work for you, maybe you'll find your own. I
