Do you ever grow out of being super fragile around your mother

@dynamicHemlock1736

It can be hard to grow out of it fully.

Because we always want and crave our parents approval and love.

But we can learn how to deal with it in a more healthy manner.

And set boundaries.

Even though a parent is a parent, they don't deserve respect and love if it's not shown back, your mother has no right to use mean words, you sadly cannot control this, only how you let it affect your life 💛

It's a complicated issue, because parents are the ones closest to you, supposedly guiding you..

In one sense, you might always want them to assure you that you're doing well and that they care, even when you make mistakes.

In another sense, it might get to a point, where your voice is the loudest one that you pay attention too.

So I've had to counteract a lot of criticism and negativity and spin it around to the positives and the areas I'm doing well in.

I sorta got answers for the reason why...... But it made no sense. You don't continually stomp on someone and wonder why they are flat...

Hi! thank you so much for sharing this with us! I think I understand your pov and I was also in your shoes. I'm not sure if you feel this way but our moms are usually put on a pedestal in our minds especially bc they ARE our moms and I think we subconsciously expect some things from them (i.e affection) and when it doesn't happen, it hits us harder. at least for me it did. it wasn't until I accepted that she was indeed a human being and can make mistakes and sometimes we have to be the bigger person that it finally lessened its grip and it was easier to forgive her. Its not a one day thing and there are still moments where it happens but you start thinking about why she's doing it and it may lead to a breakthrough in your relationship

I hope that helps!

Hi @dynamicHemlock1736. Sorry to hear that you've been struggling with how your mum talks to you. It always hurts so much more deeply when the people we are closest to make us feel the most emotionally fragile and vulnerable.

When a similar thing happened to me, I came to realise that my mum was projecting her own fears onto me. Over time, I started to implement a few positive ways to help me deal with the situation:

- I learned to set good boundaries
- I came to understand that I can only control my reactions
- I became a good example by making sure everyone I cared about felt accepted
- I learned how important self-care was for my long-term health and happiness

These might not apply to your situation, but hopefully you might find some of this relevant and helpful to your situation.

Take care,
Steve

@dynamicHemlock1736

It's so natural to crave for your mom's love no matter how confident you're to others. But you can heal as time passes , you are already so strong 💪 for caring it. 

@dynamicHemlock1736

Me and my mum could call out about almost anything or nothing.....but underneath there was still love.

We argued about the colour of an armchair we used to have.....to me it was green to her it had been bro

wn, the truth was somewhere in the middle, it was a goldie green brown colour......dumb really.

I think she never got over me having my own ideas or identity separate from her! Quite strange, though I did hurt her slot as a teen. 

Start unenmeshing.

@dynamicHemlock1736.   Honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling this way. You can be completely confident in most areas of your life and still get hurt by something your parents say. Parents have a way of getting to parts of us that no one else can 😊. It doesn't mean you're wrong. It just means that her opinion matters to you.I think many people assume that, at some point, they won't need their parents' approval anymore, but I'm not sure it really works that way. The goal isn't necessarily to stop caring. It's more about learning not to let their opinion decide how you feel about yourself.

The fact that you’re already aware of this at the age of 23 is actually a good sign. A lot of people spend years reacting to these feelings without ever understanding them.When your mom says something hurtful, maybe remind yourself that even though you care about what she thinks, whatever she thinks isn't always right. That's not easy, and it takes time to build that sense of self. You can love your mom, value her opinion, and still have your own sense of self. Those things can exist together.

I'm 52 and my mother is 90. I still think of my mother's reaction before I make any decisions in life. It's so dysfunctional. Many years ago I told a therapist that I didn't want to have to wait for my mother to die to finally become my own person...

My mom has kept all of her kids enmeshed in this unhealthy and immature relationship.

My brother died at 61 years of age still financially dependent on his mother. My sister is financially enmeshed with her now too. I'm the only one that doesn't need mom's money, but I still think about her reaction to me and my life and choices before anyone else.

I don't have children, friends or a family of my own and I am starting to see how my mom contributed to that... she wants it that way. Her need to be needed is more important than anything else including her children's autonomy and independence.

Becoming aware of this and keeping my distance, not sharing too much with my mom is helping, but I still feel enmeshed...

@dynamicHemlock1736, I understand how you feel! I am almost 40 and I am not being able to grow out yet. It's a complicated relationship and we share lot of history and experiences. The vulnerabilities a mother sees and what she would see through us is different and we know deep down that no one can beat that! So Always it hits a different place when a mother or father or for me even a my elder sister (13 year elder so almost like another mother) says something! I get what you mean ! Again that does not mean you cannot have boundaries, etc. I hope you will find your rhythm and wish more power to you! Take care dear.