Ex-Muslim girl living abroad
I have left my country now for 6 years to live abroad and it has been a pretty bumpy road. I am even a bit afraid to post this as I have never opened up about this on the internet because some people can get very extreme regarding leaving a religion.
Thing is, whatever I believed in back then was my own choice, wearing Hijab was my own choice (for personal reasons such as *trigger warning* sexual harassment). Since leaving home, i noticed that i actually don't need any of that to feel safe. I just did not feel like I needed religion the way i related to it back then. I was just never that much of a believer back then anyway, but my family did not take it good. Still to this day tells me that they pray I find god again and my own sister thinks I am a cheap girl for having a boyfriend and that I am a "sinner". She hurt me so much with her words since she knew that I live life differently now. I cried for night and developed a worse depression and chronic pain with all this cultural clash and family stress.
But you know, I will never back down. I cannot live a life being unauthentic. I cannot just do things because otherwise someone might talk bad about me. I cannot live for others and I cannot make everyone happy. The price i am paying everyday is tough. My family relationship is not the best. I suffer from chronic pain and mental illness but I am so strong. I am only scared of my body failing me slowly. It already started doing that. Until when am I going to live alienated from my own culture? Why are people so intolerant of change?
It's crazy how a subject can cause so much alienation. I wish I could’ve learned religion in another way. Now i just hate it all together. Now i am just sour and have build so much resentment there is no going back.
I just want to be free, left in peace. I just want to be happy in my own way. I am not hurting anybody the way I live, why can't I just be myself? Why do I have to always live to an expectation? Why can't we just love each other unconditionally? 🥹
Is there anyone here that relates to this ? Please Let me know. I feel so lonely about it ! 😞 No one ever dares to talk about themselves leaving Islam because it is so frowned upon.
I don't personally, as I was fortunate enough to not be born into it...but this org might be helpful to you: EXMNA
@slowdecline48 Thank you, will check it out 😊
@Amour007
This is sad to hear, because in all honesty it can be true. This has not happened to me personally, but a friend of mine. The way I see it, God gave humans a choice. With that choice humans do as they please. We are humans, not God. Only God can judge what is in your heart and knows what you need, not us. I feel like as people we should advise each other, but never shame or alienate someone for something. Unless it's like a crime or some kind of offense, but that's not the point. If someone leaves a religion, it shouldn't be our place to condemn them or kick them out. If a member of my family left the religion I was following I wouldn't shame them or treat them any different. They're my family and I love them. They made a choice, and it's their life. At the end of the day, the most I can do is advise them or have a genuine conversation with them. Anything beyond that really isn't my jurisdiction. So, I'm sorry all this happened to you and I pray you get better and find the life that brings you peace and happiness.
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@JollyRacher Hi !
You are right. We are not god, therefore cannot condemn others or alienate them, but sadly many things in Islam can be wrongly interpreted and people can be misguided. I hope someday I can find my peace through all of this. Thank you for your prayers, that's sweet 💗
@Amour007 Hi there!
Thank you so much for bravely sharing your experience here. I am happy to share my experience with you, and I hope it makes you feel less alone, and maybe even a bit more supported. 💗
I have had a similar experience that you describe here, but with evangelical Christianity. I have had a lot of friends that practice Islam over the years, and I see so many parallels between Islam and evangelical Christians. Being able to see the similarities in their behaviors makes me scratch my head at the fact that religions can be so at war with each other, while all claiming to be following God...
- The rigid rules that cannot be explained in a way that make logical sense.
- Using a religious book to make demands and criticize the behavior of children, but not being able to put the entire book together, so that children can be super clear on why these demands are made and important to accept.
- Using said religious book to preach at children and strangers, but I see that they are not using this book to foster a genuine sense of compassion, generosity and kindness in their own behavior (and speech) towards others.
- Jihad (what evangelical Christians call spiritual warfare, Onward Christian Soldiers!!) is encouraged, unless I direct it back at my parents. I am nearly 50 years old. At what point can accountability flow in both directions? Never? 🤔
- The quickness in family estrangement, when a child does not feel good with rules that seem to possess no logic of any kind.
- The toxicity of parents refusing to lose control of the children and this being exerted within the communities that the child left behind, in the form of ruthless gossip and character assassination (really? talking about MY sins in my absence makes these people amazing Christians? What ever happened to prayer without ceasing and confessing your own sins???).
I do not know a whole lot about Islam, admittedly, but with the little I do know, I see so many similarities in religious groups that must come from a long history of abuse that goes far beyond mine or our parents' generation. And, even with years of studying many different religious texts, I still have not come close to unraveling all of it. I mean, in schools, we still are not getting the full perspective of both sides, and the internet is all fake news, so what do we really know about the past, and what can we trust on the internet? Until we know the mistakes of everyone involved in the past, in great detail, what can we all really learn from the past? And on top of that, if most people are trying to pretend that the past did not happen, or that it was more positive than it really was, is meaningful change really possible?
I want you to be encouraged, that with time, going no contact with family that focus on religion rather than talking truthfully about the past, does provide relief and some healing. Do I still ruminate on the fact that I have had no parents since age 18? Yes. Do I still ruminate on the fact that materially I had all of my needs met, but emotionally and physically, I was abused in secret and that has never, to this day, been confessed? Yes.
But, my silence and absence is the great truth teller. About six years ago, I sent a 10 page confession to the pastor of my church (my father still attends). I confessed every sin I had ever made. I made clear that God is aware of my sins, and my sins are not open for discussion with the pastor, because God is my anchor and my guidance, as He should be. I made clear that I was choosing to have mercy on my parents, and that I would never contact them again. I acknowledged that my sins had caused so much pain and suffering that I accepted that forgiveness could only take place if I bravely chose permanent absence from their lives, and I would pray daily that I will meet them one day again in Heaven. I wished my pastor well, and promised that I would have mercy on him, as well, and also never contact him again.
I sent my sister a letter, advising her that I had confessed my sins to the church and promised I would never contact my family again (she had been a staunch supporter of them abandoning me, though she had committed the same sins that I had, with their support). I apologized for all of my sins against her, apologized that I could not turn back time, and made the same promise to her: this is the last time she will ever hear from me.
My mother and sister were content with me disappearing. My father sent a letter, trying to apologize and repair things. My partner talked about it, and we chose for me to ignore him, and for her to reply to him, telling him it was enough, and to please never write again. I have never heard from him again.
In the last six years, I have cried a lot. I have ruminated a lot. I have wished it could be different. BUT, I have kept my promise, and not contacted them anymore. I journal my feelings, and every time I do that, I am clear that I have done the best that I could, and what is honestly best (as difficult as it is) for everyone.
Once I have done what I know is best for everyone... I asked myself... What do I need to do to have peace with the fact that my family is scared to death that my choices and behavior are going to lead to their eternal damnation? Because you know what? Six years of no contact and very clear boundaries? It has given me clarity. It really is not about me. It is about their personal fear of eternal damnation, and that is something I cannot control. I do not fear eternal damnation. I know that if I do not feel good with my life right now? Damnation is NOW. So, I focused on how I feel right now, step by step...and you know what? I have come to realize that I have quite a lot of strength and courage, and I am pretty awesome!
You will figure it out. You are doing your best. You are amazing. You ARE a miraculous being. You ARE divinely loved, even if no one really knows what that divine love is all about, or how to stay focused on it 100% of the time. You are a work in progress. We all are. And you know what? That is TOTALLY ok, and it must be, when we obviously all are a work in progress! 😀
I think we, as humans, will never have all of the answers, and somehow, our jobs are to be ok with that. Being ok with the unknown...not an easy task, but somehow, we all must have all signed up for it. lol
Well, that is my long winded 2 cents. 🤣 If you read this far, THANK YOU! If you didn't? Believe me, I understand. 🤣
No matter what anyone calls God, Allah, Source, The Glory of All That Is, Infinite Love, Divine Presence, Infinite Intelligence...I am confident we can all access that information with perfect timing, when we truly want to.
Wishing you continued strength and courage on your path. Again, thank you for your courage in sharing your experience. 💖😊
@niceSea1350 Wow thank you for your post. It brought tears to my eyes. I really relate to your experience even though the religion is somewhat different. I thought too about cutting contact but I am really lost with the feelings that would come with it. It is very hard. 😮💨 I would feel very guilty especially because my father died long ago and I cannot imagine cutting contact with my mother who sacrificed so much for me..
You want to give back some of the good things they gave you but somehow the closer you get to them the more hurt you have to put up with and at this point i am kind of maxed out on the pain. 🥹
Thank you for the supportive words, I really need to know that my reaction and emotions are okay though this. There can be so much shaming in my culture for that. Id love to reach out to you and talk more about this if you'd like 💕
@Amour007 Awww, I am so sorry for the loss of your father. My partner lost her father when she was in her early 20's, and that is really not easy. My heart really goes out to you. 💖
You are very wise! I was 42 when I made the decision to go no contact. Confessing my sins prior to no contact never helped, because evangelical Christians are like hunters in an open field full of deer, calling it a courageous hunt. The more you confess, the more they fire, and it never ends. But, I was never ready to go no contact before that. Everyone's journey is unique and based on isntincts combined with personal readiness, I think. 😊
Islam is, indeed, a different experience, so no one can give accurate advice. I love that 7cups encourages us to share experience, but not advice. Even a fellow Muslim in a similar situation would not be the same, so it is so great that you recognize this! I find it so beautiful that you can see the beauty in your mother's being, and that you are aware of the importance of giving grace, as much as you can. Also, knowing the importance of having mental and emotional clarity, before making any serious choices is so advantageous. Life is so good these days, in that we have so many more tools available for reaching clarity, than we ever have had in history!
Well, however comfortable you are posting in this public forum (I so appreciate that we can all stay anonymous!), I am comfortable responding. I am no expert on anything, but I am happy to give support however I can. 😀 Thank you for reading my long post and responding! You have warmed my heart today!
Wishing you a fantastic day! 😄💖
@niceSea1350 Ahhhh i wish I had someone like you around to teach me right about religion and its values. I had to find clarity on my own way and I confess once, religion was helping me in a way to find some meaning in this life and have orientation. Right now, I wish i could get rid of all the anger and resentment I had grown for religion. I am sad this is what it came to 😔 I just cannot bring myself to say that I am muslim to anyone anymore, even though I share some good values of religion.
Yes, i guess i am way too wise for my age (26), it feels like I am parenting my own mom into dealing with emotions and change and trying helplessly to advocate for my right to choose a life I am aligned with. Many people are currently providing input on that. (liberal and conservative) and I am sometimes just want to run away from both worlds and disconnect, you know? 😪 I wish I will learn someday to disconnect internally from all this. I am not even sure if that is humanly possible Hahah.
You seem like a very down to earth person and very wise too. I love reading what you write, it is very inspiring. Thank you for taking the time to answer me today 💕 I wish you the best in your journey !
@niceSea1350 Omg terribly sorry I answered from my Listener account as I switched and forgot to switch back.. please don't mind me.
@Amour007 I LOVE candy! So no worries. LOL
Wow, you hit the nail on the head with that last post, and it is the first time I see that so clearly. My parent's religious generation had children, teaching us to become like Jesus, with the expectation that it was totally possible for us all to become like Jesus, even though they could not do it. This expectation was more about us becoming the parents that they never had, rather than them being the parents we needed.
My goodness...I have to let that sink in....
I SO appreciate your posts! This is becoming emotionally quite big for me, so I am going to take a break for a while, but I will be back. Thank you again, so so much for posting and being here. 🥰
@Amour007 Oh, and about disconnecting internally, yes, that is totally possible. But, I experience having to disconnect repeatedly, as it is not possible to do it once and for all (like cutting a ribbon).
The emotional energy has a way of getting big and overwhelming, then I go outside into nature (walk my dog, take a long walk for an hour or longer sometimes) and then I feel disconnected from it and sometimes gain clarity when in nature alone, until something comes up again. It is an ebb and flow to manage, not a ribbon to cut, if that makes sense? That is my experience, for what it is worth.
Anyway, I feel overwhelmed and it feels like being mentally foggy, so maybe I am not making sense anymore? LOL It is ok, I am taking my dog for a walk. haha!
Have a great day!!! 🥳
You could also check out Atheistic channels like Genetically Modified Skeptic (He's my personal favourite, he's the one who convinced me that G-d is actually a fairytale). I hope this helps you.
Note - I have assumed you've become an atheist, if not, you can ignore my thread.
Hello Amour007,
I am sorry that you are going through all this. People are intolerant to many times and I know it from myself. For myself, I went through a phase where I questioned God in many ways because I was seeing Him through the eyes of others. Its only later I realized that God doesn't care about what other think about you. For me, my connection with God helped me go through the most depressing part of my life and even now I continue to have faith in Him. I may not pray alot and might not be a good Muslim but I have stopped evaluating my spirituality by how others see it. In the end, its our mental health which helps us improve.
What works for others may not work for you. In the end, I suggest you to talk to someone who you can relate to you. Start again and explore what's best for you. Don't find Him through the eye of others :
As Rumi have said:
" I searched for God and found only myself. I searched for myself and found only God."
If your mental well being is not well, you may not be able to love yourself and this vicious cycle can affect you so surround yourself with people who are healthy for you and who can accept you for who you are.
The journey to find Him is beautiful only if you are willing to go on it. I wish you best of luck and continued growth in life.
Feel free to message me if you want to talk.
Stay happy!
Also, I applaud your bravery in leaving the religion that is familiar to you. It takes brass to go explore the unknown, even when one's own native world is restrictive & unwelcoming!
Hi @Amour007,
I am sorry for the hurt caused to you. At some point of my life I too found myself getting distant from religion (no more the case). I stopped believing and even started criticising the idea. I stated questioning the idea of religion itself and came to realise, religion is just a tool, made to serve humans, and NOT the other way around.
This though made me feel empowered, hopefully it does the same for you.
Have a wonderful day, and keep smiling, as it makes everything a tiny bit better 😊
@Amour007
I was raised Roman Catholic. My parents were devout. During my freshman year of high school, my biology teacher inspired me to become an atheist. My mom was very angry about it, but she eventually got over it. My dad had died, so he wasn't able to voice his opinion. Hopefully your loved ones will get over you leaving Islam.
@windchimes1991
I forgot to say that I eventually became a non-denominational Christian. I do believe God is real. And I'm exploring Buddhism to gain control over my thoughts and feelings.
@Amour007
Sorry to hear about your plight, I think you should take time out to understand what really works for you in your relationship with your god
@Temari10
Friend - you forgot to write in English!
@Helgafy it's alright as I myself speak french :D