How Do I Tell My Dad He Emotionally Abused Me
For context, I am a 26 year old woman with Depression, Anxiety ,BPD (borderline) and ADHD (recently diagnosed). I lived with my parents until I was 19 when I moved in with my now husband. Only recently have I realized that what I experienced was actually emotional abuse. He would often yell and swear at me and tell me mistakes I made were me saying I didn't care about him and personally offensive. If he was berating me for a 'failure' he would make fun of me ie, I can't drive due to severe anxiety and for years he made fun of me that people younger than me were driving. He would even belittle my accomplishments if he didn't feel they were enough or if he believed I didn't deserve it. Typing this out now it's very obvious but I was in denial for so long. 85% we coexist peacefully, we had no actual relationship when I was growing up or even now. That part I always knew, and always had a hard time understanding. He wasn't distant, out of the house, old fashioned or anything. He just seemed only interested in a relationship with my mom and not me or my little brother. It's time to talk to him about it, after realizing what I know I can't pretend like nothing happened. Especially since we're not getting along very well recently. It's time for the next step, I know it will be over email because I can't talk to him in person or over the phone as he is the most manipulative person I've ever met. He talks in circles until you're confused and agree with him. I just don't know how to start that conversation, I feel like "Hey, I know we're not in the middle of a fight right now but I just realized you abused me my whole life" isn't really the right way to handle things.
Has anyone else had to do this?
I had an experience where someone emailed me about the stuff I did to them, and can say using an email is helpful so you can read through it a couple of times and also for them to understand more deeply as well. Hope this helps.
@Asherwolfice
Thanks! I appreciate the validation! I know it's the only way I can communicate effectively but I was a little worried about it being too cold or mean, so this is super helpful.
@Applepine49
I so understand someone talking in circles until you end up agreeing with them, just to end the agony of the runaround.
I do not like confrontation, and can only handle minor disagreements or differences of opinion with someone I am close to, and only by using "I statements." Do you know about I statements? If not, it's a way to state your case in a non-accusing manner. When we say "You always...." or "You never...." that puts the other person on the defensive and they are likely to counter-attack with their own accusations. When we say "I feel ___ when you say/do ___..." then they *might* be more willing to hear you out.
Remember, no one can tell you what you feel. You own your own feelings! Don't let anyone tell you that you should or shouldn't feel Emotion X, Y or Z. You feel it, or you don't. They don't get to tell you what you feel! If his attitude and behavior make you anxious, for example, or stammer, or shut down, that's understandable. For me, when I have to have a difficult conversation, I feel like I go into some kind of out-of-body state, almost.... it's quite strange. I am hearing myself state my position, my impressions, my feelings to the other person, and it's like I am watching/listening to myself from a distance.
Lastly I wanted to say, I understand the desire to have the email conversation, if having a face to face or phone call conversation is too hard for you. Just, please, don't do it by text messages. It's a bad idea for anyone to argue by texting, in my opinion. If you email, you can at least type paragraphs. My suggestion: if he responds, consider typing your new responses in another color font. Type a line at a time, if needed, responding to each idea, statement or thought from him. For example,
You: Dad, I feel X when I recall how this event/situation played out back in (month or year) and it makes me sad that we have this kind of dynamic going on.
Dad's emailed response: Well, you're mistaken, you always this and you always that, and blah blah blah blah!
You: I understand what you are saying, but my position is this, I feel like X and Y, because of A, B and C. I feel hurt when you say I never this or I always that.
Dad's emailed response: I never this and I never that, and blah blah blah blah...
You: Thanks for explaining your side of things. I want you to know X Y and Z about me. I want you know I feel such and such because of whatever it was that happened/identify the trigger or situation.
You get the drift. I hope this was helpful and not too overboard. Best of luck having a difficult conversation! There is a book called "Difficult Conversations" that you can research and perhaps locate at a library or bookseller. I forget who wrote it but it's a good one.
@InquireWithin Thanks!! This is really helpful and definitely not overboard. I agree with the text thing, this kind of conversation shouldn't be done over texts. I also really like how you expanded on the 'I feel' statements and gave me ideas of how to respond to him if he pushes back. The colour idea is cool too 🙂
@Applepine49
Happy to help! I stumbled on the color/text idea when havign really intense email discussions with friends over travel plans and about theoretical ideas, where it would be too confusing to respond in paragraphs because then how would the reader know which section you were responding to unless you wrote "About XYZ..." before each paragraphs.
Hope the conversation(s) go well!