How does postpartum depression affect relationship to the child?
Hi,
I can't really find any sources online that talk about long-term effects of postpartum depression's impact on the relationship between the mother and the child. My reason for asking is that I think my mom's postpartum depression she went through after I was born affected her feelings to me? I haven't seen my mom in over 5 years (im 21 now) and she was very neglectful of me and my siblings growing up. My dad said she had severe postpartum depression after I was born for several months and then her depression never really went away afterwards. I think that has to do with other problems she's had but me being born was sort of the catalyst for that..
I know that she never really loved me. I'm not saying that in a melodramatic way, just that she never developed those feelings. I think she tried to when I was very little, but after I was 5 and up I think she just gave up. She doesn't hate me. She just can't love me I guess? idk. She had a lot of problems. I don't love her either cuz from what I have seen of her was that she was always drunk, high, or just kind of mean or not really present in her mind.. I didn't like the way she treated my dad or my siblings either. She kind of would play the depression card a lot and try to make you feel bad for her so that you excuse her actions. Like, she full on cheated on my dad loads of times and tried to blame him for it. I'm not saying my dad is perfect, but my mom really never takes accountability for her actions.
The thing that really bugs me though is that she loved my older brother and my older sister. I know she did. After they were born my dad said she was extremely happy. Everything went downhill after I was born :/ I know its not my fault, but I think postpartum depression had long lasting effects on her and how she feels towards me. Is that possible? Can postpartum last that long and make it so you can't love your daughter? Cuz if that's the case, then that's really sad and scary for moms (and their kids)!!
@facingthesun
Hi Sun! 
Thank you so much for your amazing post! 
As for me, I do know a great deal about post partum depression from the literature available, but I don't think I could ever give a definitive answer about the lasting affects, what has triggered someone to maybe come full circle as each person is unique in their response to things. I can only imagine that there are many other things going on with your mother, things that were there long before she was ever a mother. Perhaps these things simply "flew under the radar" for the time. You weren't there to see her behavior before you were born, only able to see how she behaves now.
You are not to blame for her behavior. Some people suffer from mental illness and a variety of things. Have you ever done a google search on personality disorders? There are quite a few of them and sometimes when you see one personality disorder, more come with it and it's called "clusters" or "comorbity". So you shouldn't be overly confused if you see many traits of your mother for mutliple personality disorders.
And sometimes, people that suffer from mental illness do find a specific target to prey upon in their own home. One of their children. This can be the child that is abused the most. It's terrrible, it's tragic and it's wrong. Sometimes this can be the child that is the kindest, the sweetest and the most hardworking. That child can represent to the parent nothing they could ever be and so in a subconcious ego move, to save their very own ego, they try to constantly put bad things onto that child and even when nothing is there.
I send you big *hugs* my friend 
@SparkyGizmo
Thank you so much for this reply 
I guess I never really considered that she could be mentally ill. In therapy i've been told that I ought to be more self compassionate and I never realized how negative I was towards myself!! Thats probably leftover from my mom's behavior.. But im learning to love myself none the less!! She really did prey on me didn't she..? Whether it was concious or not... ;-; but again thank you for this really really kind and informative response!! It really eased my mind *hugs*!!
@facingthesun
You are most welcome my friend!
I can only imagine how hard this has been for you and your whole life through! I think it's so very great that you are involved with therapy. I would have to think that it can be really helpful when we as people have suffered abuse. And especially if it is from the hand of a parent. We as people are raised in certain house holds, a by product of our environment many times.
I'm so glad that with the help of your therapist you are starting to be compassionate towards yourself, more loving, less negative about you. Learning to love yourself and maybe even finding a way to start loving yourself in a way that someone else should have done for you from the very beginning.
It seems as if many times a parent has the opportunity to almost "program" us from the very beginning. And the mother or mother figure truly is a powerful force in our lives. I wonder if you have a constant reach for perfection, that nothing is ever good enough that you do, the constant of trying to please others? When you got a way from her, maybe her implied prescence and still being the voice in your head took over? It's hard to "please" the "unpleasable" now isn't it? I wonder if there was truly nothing you could have ever done that would have pleased her, as this was more about her than it was about you.
Where she left off, well, then you took over almost. It's almost like now, you could be doing her dirty work for her. It's not fair my friend, you didn't ask for this and no one deserves this. I know it's hard but moving forward can be done but............with time. Over time it could lesson and a great deal but it might not ever truly go away and don't be suprised if it doesn't. Those thoughts may still creep back in but over time, you will be able to recognize them for what it is that they are. I can feel it my heart . There will be victory for you in the end. You will find your freedom! It's a process though, indeed! You are truly on the right path, I just know it! Perhaps this is simply the beginning and an awakening in you. A thousand mile journey begins with the first step!
Someone on this site, a fellow listener whom I admire and have such deep respect for gave me a "gift" the other day. It was the gift of music and I love those gifts and I like to share those gifts as well. They gave me a gift and told me this song was for me and for maybe different reasons than what you are experiencing right now. But I would like to share that gift with you as well! The artist is Jason Mraz and the song is "Have It All". I want you to have it all my friend, I believe in you. I send big big *hugs*