Idk alone
I feel so alone right now.. feels like I can’t turn back can’t turn my life around now. Feels like now that I see all I’ve been it’s so hard to be this old, this grown and turn it around. It feels like there’s no time.. feels like I’m supposed to have it all together now. To be able to support myself now, my family, now. To figure it all out now. The people around me don’t forgive my mistakes, and I no longer want them to. But I can’t shake the feeling of the pain of never getting something I feel I deserved or really wanted to. Having to come to conclusions with that while still being responsible for their wellbeing .. it’s rough.
I try not to think of the past .. but being here with them makes me wish I could either jump back in time and think twice or skip ahead to a time where this part of my life is over.. and I’m stable again. But maybe I was never truly stable. Fake smiles and forced jobs that I hated..
but even more than that I hate this moment, it’s lonely.. no friends, no job & not even really family, more so a business exchange. Loved as much as I contribute, as much as I have to offer as much as I live up to who they think I should be. A life indebted to them simply because I was born into it, even though I never asked to be. I hate when they say you should be grateful for the physical things, housing shelter yes so important..but does that mean I’m not allowed to feel and long for the other things I never got. Like a hug or a piece of advice, a place to fall back even when I make mistakes or when I’m not acting like “myself”. No. But they say you still have to be Greatful. Instead it fills me, they fill me with shame. Guilt.. for falling, for crashing.. for being this old and life not going exactly as planned. For having nothing. Even though it’s my life. Even though everything I learned I taught myself even if it wasn’t in the best way, nothing but trial and error, I had to learn everything the hard way, but when I fall because I didn’t have that I am still the only to blame and I am still the only one picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild. Expected to smile again, like I never needed. I see me and I see I’m trying, they see me, it’s all me I’m the problem. And sometimes being surrounded by it all I can’t help but look in the mirror and think that too.
Trying to stay positive, but it just isn’t working fast enough for me.. I keep trying to find ways to build my life back up again.. but it’s like it means nothing cause I’m alone. And without realizing I traded, never fully invested in other people and burned every bridge. It is my fault but I never meant for it to be.
@lovingCup504
No one should trivialise your feelings.
Yes, you are allowed to want more.
Connection.
Love.
A hug.
Friendship.
Yes, we all make mistakes but they don't define us and shouldn't be used to hold us in our place.
People shouldn't see you for what you contribute or offer them, or for what you add to their lives.
You have value, regardless.
I'm just sorry they don't let you feel it believe this 💚
@lovingCup504
I hear you. And I just want you to know that what you're carrying sounds incredibly heavy—feeling like you have to have it all figured out while also grieving what you never got in the first place. That's not a small thing. That's a lot to hold.
You're not broken for struggling. You're not failing because things didn't go according to some invisible timeline. And needing more than just a roof—needing connection, softness, someone to catch you when you fall—that's not ungrateful. That's human.
It sounds like you've been your own teacher, your own safety net, for a really long time. That takes more strength than most people realize. But it also makes sense that you're exhausted. You weren't supposed to do all of this alone.
I don't have answers, but I do believe that where you are right now isn't where you'll always be. Not because things magically get better, but because you're still here, still trying, still reaching out even when it hurts. That matters.
You're allowed to feel all of this. And you're allowed to take it one day at a time—even one hour at a time—while you figure out what comes next.
Sending you warmth. You're not as alone as it feels right now. 💙
@lovingCup504 @Amanda84
That's a painful read as I can empathetise with so much of what you are feeling, I've only recently accepted and reached out for support and guidance. I'm also lonely and equally feel to blame for it and my life hasn't worked out the way I planned either. I've learnt to live and thrive after discovering I have Ankylosing Spondylitis, marriage breakdown, bereavement, both parents within 8 days of each other then two near death pulmonary embolism and the constant threat of recurrence. On the whole I have picked myself, dusted off and used it in motivate me to be in the best shape I can be to minimise risk of recurrence but no matter how hard I try I am realistic and fear the future as risk if recurrence will increase with age. I've reached out as the loneliness, craving deeper more meaningful more present connection is crushing, joing cups past few weeks has helped, impressively friendly and supportive buy it's just small steps on my path. If this posts tells you anything about me, I am not giving up, gratitude journalling is softening the oppresive loneliness a little, not touched the anxiety so far but I am hoping therapy might at least help me find and develop tools to rephrase that in time. Life is for living after all it isn't a dress rehearsal.
If you thinking talking with me might help at all please do maybe it might help us both , at least a little 😁😁 it's 3am for me, and having my normal issues sleeping !!