Idk for a title
i think i deserve the abuse and more. after all, i am a mistake.
I come from a divorced household. (Absent father) was a cop and sexist - threatened to (harm) me if i evwr thought of dating and this was when i was in high school. NOTE: have not talked to the (absent father) since graduation. My mother never encouraged and said I needed to focus on work and school. Even now as I am 33, she has only mentioned I should go out 2x in my life.
With that, I have no social skills and when I was wanting to date i had/have no confidence. I look at everyone else and wonder why i was given crap growing up. I use to wish that if i could celebrate valentines just once, I would be content. it looks like I will never get to and I stopped caring.
I do live with my mom for a couple of reasons, mainly because she promised me the house. Everytime someone has promised me something they broke it. My (absent father) kicked me out Christmas Eve because I had told him and his wife I was tired of their abuse and favoritism toward her children. He never looked back and told me I was a mistake and I wasnt his family.
About 12 yeara ago, my mom changed everything about her because her college boytoy contacted her. he was married at the time and she changed. Everything she told me not to do because it was wrong, she started tl do. Such as, her clothing, her eating, wearibg makeup, etc. Now i know people change but to see this up front and get yelled out amd kicked out of the house when they skyped. i mean one time i left work because i was so sick i couldnt get out of bed. she came home and kicked me out and told me i couldnt even be in the driveway passed out. We actually fought foe the first time in my life (i was 24) and one of the things she said made me think i was a mistake. she said "for the first time in 25 years i am happy."
From her and the (absent father) I am tempted to contact rhe court house in the town they married in and find out their marriage date. I am almost 100% sure they married because they were pregnant with me.
There is a lot more (stuff) i dealt with.
By society means, i should be an alcoholic druggie with 10 kids on welfare, having baby daddies come and go with no job.
Instead, i have a very good job with a promotion happening. 3 pup who are the loves of my life. and one best friend.
i am grateful but wish i had more friends and the confidence to date.
(edited for content by @peaceloveanpaws)
@quietgirl2006
It sounds like you've been through a lot. I imagine the contradictions you've heard all of your life have been confusing. It sounds like you've experienced a lot of trauma from your father. Being told you don't matter, you aren't family to him, and being threatened with abuse by him has had a long lasting affect on your self image and self esteem. You didn't deserve to be abused by him as a child and as an adult. It sounds like the way he's treated you says more about the person he is rather than the the person you are. I understand how difficult it can be to move past the abusive treatment and how it's impacted your mental well being today.
I can't image how it feels to see your mother's attitude has changed in the last decade. It sounds like all of the rules she's expected you to follow were tossed out the window when she began dating her college friend. I can understand how her changes in behavior may have left you feeling confused and hurt. Being forced to leave your home, even when you were very sick, so that she can Skype with him also sounds traumatic and painful.
It sounds like you've been through so much and I understand your lack of confidence is related to the treatment you received from both of your parents. Not being able to trust the people who should have been supporting you, being told you are a mistake, and being taught that you are unworthy invalidates you as a person. Being able to archive success in you work, in spite of all you have been through is a testament to your strength and courage. You are a survivor and you are worthy of love.
How do you feel about seeking therapy or professional support to begin processing the trauma and abuse you've experienced? Your mental well being is so important and having support could have a positive impact on improving your confidence.
