I dont feel okay with my mother anymore
As i grew older my mother was taking care of me. She changed when i started university though. Made me give stupid promises as i wont get a boyfriend and never leave her otherwise i wouldn't be able to finish my studies. But things were different and not as planned. I met someone and she stills makes me feel guilty despite the fact that some time passed. She told me to be honest but how can i be honest with her when i know if i do something bad for her there are consequences . In this house im currently in its a lie. Everyone is hiding things from each other. me being in a relationship is a taboo ,and she makes me feel like i do something bad.I really dont feel comfortable enough there and wish i could leave . She manipulates me by using the phrase i spent my life and money in order to help you grow and that makes me feel sad cause why would she wants to bring kids in this world as she expect them to do something as an exchange. I was always listening to her until i grew old enough to take some decisions for myself. I really want to get out of here but really dont know what to do. She even threats me with different things and says things that make me feel so bad usually brings up things that happened years ago and mentioned that im the one to blame
I feel for you, this is not any easy situation. Your mother is using whatever means, especially guilt, to try to hold onto you. She is desperate to keep you in her life. I feel bad for her as well. It seems there may be some mental illness at play. Does your mom have sisters, husband, friends? Her focus is too much on you. If she could find another outlet for her energy I think things could improve. Regardless, her actions are not your fault and not for you to fix. How much time do you have left in school? You may just need to stick it out until graduation. Can you get a job? Can you save money for an apartment? If she is paying for your education then she has a degree of control over you...but not for long. Is there a common interest you two can share to try and reshape your relationship? Whatever you do...don't get into a new situation just to get out of your current situation (ie don't move in with your boyfriend). It's important that you get out on your own. Patience, fortitude and a little grace. And a therapist to vent to can do wonders. Your mother doesn't really want honesty, she wants to soothe her fear of abandonment. When you have separated from her, that's when you can work to mend your relationship in honesty. Grace for yourself too 😉
Im currently in the 2nd year of university im 20 years old . As about the part of job cant find anything as im currently focusing on my studies and my program is full but still looking for alternatives solutions. Yes i have 3 siblings and my mom has two sister but one of them is living in another city. I know i cant fix her but i just hoped she would understand me a bit better since se went through the same. Well i feel bad for her as well so that's why we both go to a psychologist but she thinks its taboo if someone goes to a psychologist nowadays. And i as well want to succed and do things on my own as i have the people i care for on my side that's what matters
This is excellent advice. Don’t get into a situation just to jump out of this one (like moving in with a boyfriend). However, starting to make tentative plans for your time after graduation might help you cope in the meantime, like figuring out what kind of job you might get, if you can get roommates to make that easier, etc.
I went through something sort of similar when I moved back home before grad school. My mom basically grounded me at age 23, which is as wild as it sounds. I feel like it almost destroyed our relationship, but it came back once I was able to go to grad school and get out of the nest again.
Hey, I’m glad you reached out!
For starters, take a moment for yourself and relax.
Next, find a way to confront her, a mother is supposed to be caring and loving, there for us when we need them. If it comes to the point where she believes everything needs to be for her, consult her. If not by yourself then with other people.
I understand that you might be mad at her for these things, but find a way for her to change her ways and be there for you as a mother. Not as a manipulator. Don’t let her play the victim. Nothing good comes of it.
Find a way to work with her, from there, make her understand you.
If you still love her, find a way to make your understanding with her mutual, love is not a one-way street.
You got this, keep it up, you can make her see what she should see! You took the first step by reaching out, now go out there and make it work!