I don’t know what to do

Apologies in advance for this long stream of consciousness ramble and thank you to anyone who reads it.

In short my dad is tearing my family apart and i feel stuck and guilty not knowing what to do.

Im the eldest child with one younger brother. Growing up Id always known there was something off about my dad. Its been slowly festering over the years but ever since he was diagnosed with parkinsons his mental issues have gotten worse. I dont know exactly what it is he has but it has similarities to Narcissistic Personality Disorder or high functioning Aspergers. He gets into fits of rage thats frightening and hes hard to reason with because he thinks hes always in the right, and threatens others to get his way. Its never his fault, always others. It often seems like he doesnt care how he’s affecting those around him. His paranoia and lack of understanding social norms has gotten to the point where authorities have been called on him and has caused so many problems for my family. Counseling and therapy dont work because he’ll just pretend to agree with what theyre saying during the session but afterwards he’ll just dismiss everything and say theyre stupid and dont know what theyre talking about.

I’m lucky in that I have a mother who tries her best to shield me and my brother so I grew up somewhat normal and ive left to make a life of my own. Every year I come back to see my family for the holidays because of filial obligation(immigrant family) and because i do still very much care for them but I also dread it because I know i will become depressed and emotionally drained again being around parents that scream and fight every day. i also feel so much guilt that I’ve just ran away to be happy when my family is suffering.

My mom works full time and is a caregiver for my dad because he isnt able to move well without medication. But its hard watching her be basically a slave to someone who doesnt seem at all appreciative for all that she does. One of the things they fight about often is my dad likes to buy unnecessary things. For example he’ll buy random assortments of chairs because he sees them on sale, or exercise machines that he’ll never use. Hes gotten over 10 pairs of shoes and buys food that nobody wants to eat that goes bad. My mom always gets mad at him because its a waste of money and space when we‘re running out of both but he retaliates and gets furious calling her controlling and refuses to listen to reason. These fights have escalated to the point where theyve threatening to call the police on each other. The worst part is my younger brother gets involved in their fights now because hes still living at home. I can see how their fighting is affecting him and it breaks my heart. He hardly ever talks to my parents anymore and he emotionally shuts down.

I struggle alot with my feelings towards my dad. I feel guilty for thinking how much easier it would be if he wasnt here. I hate him for what hes doing to my family but also he raised me and has cared for me my whole life and given me love and i care about him. I often wish that my parents had divorced and I had never been born. Its just really hard watching two people you love scream and yell every day at each other. I’d ask my mom why she doesnt just divorce him now and she just says, “i cant just abandon him, who else will take care of your dad?”. I honestly think my mom is a person who is too kind and self sacrificing, someone who always puts the needs of others before their own. I’m so afraid because ive seen how her health has also declined because of dealing with my dad.

I know i have my own issues that i keep bottled up because ive been living in a state of denial for so long. I haven’t told anyone my problems because of my want to just be normal and im afraid they wont see me the same way again. Its just alot easier to pretend the problems arent there. I can deal with myself but i dont know what i can do to help my family get through this. The rest of my extended family live outside america and I hardly talk or have a relationship with them and I feel very alone.