Limited/no contact with my family

Over the last 10 years or longer I’ve had a tumultuous relationship with my younger brother. We are close in age. Which has definitely played an impact on the fact that we are polar opposites. We are now in our early 30s both married and he’s a new father. I absolutely adore his family despite our frequent difficulties and disagreements. I think he’s a devoted father, a hard worker a smart person who has the ability to be kind a thoughtful even though it’s not often a side I see to him.

Over the last year I’ve been dealing with my own mental health. Just working hard at my job, staying sane, working on my own relationships and this year honestly just hasn’t been my best. I may have retreated a bit more than I even noticed.

Frequently my mom would say that she feels I don’t see my brother or his wife enough. I should add that I have had to repeatedly ask my mom to not involve herself within my relationship with my brother because he blows up when she’s involved. Plus she shouldn’t have to be involved. When she brought up this concern I would agree that our schedules don’t match up but that I frequently text him and his wife. I had seen my brother several times over the last year. Each time I saw him though he would bad mouth my mom and dad. Imply that they had affairs or that they are only together for my little brother. He would also pick at clothes I chose to wear, my job, my husband, my home, he has even made fun of thoughtful gifts I’ve bought my parents. It’s honestly something I know he does because he's insecure and he needs to feel something over me. I’ve tried to blow it off. Confront him about it. Nothing really stops the emotional abuse. So I’ve definitely pulled back a bit.

Over the summer my mom would frequently watch my brothers child. My mom is sick and would need some help in order to watch his kid. So my husband and I would go over and help her because we love to see the child and help my mom out. Everyone wins.

At one point this summer I even mentioned to both my mom and brothers wife that we should throw my brother a birthday party. But his wife shook her head and dismissed me.

i even was called by my brother asking if I would be a job reference for him and I did so with no problem.

then in September I texted my brother about a mutual friends well being and he did not respond. My husband texted him about a happy life update and he did not respond. I texted him happy birthday he did not respond. He did eventually text my husband back on his birthday though.

then in early October I buy a new kitchen table because I would like to host thanksgiving. My mom comes over to see the new furniture. She starts to get upset and says that she shouldn’t be involved or be telling me this but that my brother will not be doing thanksgiving with her if I am involved. How this breaks her heart because she won’t be able to see his child despite how much she does for him. My mom would not fully tell me his reasoning other than I only see my brothers child when he’s at my moms house. She also mentioned a few other lame things he said that frankly don’t make a lot of sense and seem like he’s just making things up to justify his behavior. My mom made excuses. That this is just the way he his and I need to accept his behavior.

i should also note that my brother frequently has poor or bad behavior towards both of my parents that they both often reward him in fear of him leaving their lives. They in no way are perfect. I am in no way perfect. No one deserves his behavior.

my brother then has his phone number changed. Which I have taken as a big “please do not talk to me” Also his wife’s number changed. She did text me her new number but I don’t feel like I should be begging her for his number. I don’t want to have to jump through hoops to talk to him.

since this has all happened I’ve emailed my parents letting them know that them accepting this behavior over years has been hurtful and that I need to work on myself. That I need to pull back from family events because them accepting his behavior is hurtful. That I also don’t want to be the reason they can’t see my brother or his child. I promised them that I am still there for them but just less.

I did the reach out to his wife and let her know that I was upset with how things were handled. I wished she could have reached out to me with their concerns. That I always would hear my brother out no matter what he had to say. I explained that his impossible expectations of me were unfair. I also noted that I can’t be half in and half out with their child. If I’m going to be in a kids life I want to be fully present. Not just when I’ve properly jumped through hoops for my brother.

this week I’m now dealing with my dad hurt because he feels like I’ve unfairly cut him off. When honestly I’ve just needed space to work on me. I need to figure out how to get out of these unhealthy family patterns that I now see have been unhealthy patterns for years. In years past I would have backed down and done anything to make this right with my brother for my families sake and I know that’s what the expect of me now.

where do I begin now? How do I protect my well being and also regain a healthier relationship with my family? This is impacting my work and daily life. I honestly just need space and time but I also feel so pulled to make everything right at my own expense. My mom has even said I should get over this because it’s not as bad as my uncles or aunts have treated my parents.