Maintaining boundaries with toxic parents
Hi,
My mom and I have a complex relationship. She has been emotionally/verbally abusive for a long time, since I was a teenager. I am 31 now. I have had several conversations with her and have suggested that she receive counseling both for herself and also because her and my dad have fought badly for years in front of me and my brothers, including on family vacations and at Christmas and other holidays. The last conversation I told her again that it is stressful for me to talk to her which is why I haven't been responding much and again asked her to work on herself to address her behavior. She sent me an email today that was very sentimental saying she misses me. When she does that, it makes me feel guilt-tripped and slightly manipulated since I already explained that it's stressful for me to interact with her.
I have tentatively decided that I am still willing to see my parents at holidays, birthdays, Mother's day, etc. but prefer limited contact. My mom definitely wants more attention though and seems to be still sending these type of messages saying she misses me (but continues to be be highly critical, judgmental and have anger issues). I don't know if I should just ignore it or try to more clearly spell out that I am able to connect on holidays, but can't talk as often. Or perhaps maybe set a more clear amount of time, like I could talk once a month but no more?
Thanks,
Day
@Daydreamer47
I also have a similar dynamic with my mother and I understand how difficut it can be to maintain boundaries, especially when she love and guilt bombs you through e mail. It sounds like you want her to seek counseling because you care for her, her needs, and your relationship. You've put the ball in her court but she has to decide for herself if she wants to seek help. Is there someone you trust that you can turn to for support? Having someone how has your back, to turn a phrase, can be helpful for your well being when she is pushing your boundaries. From what you've written, it sounds like you have clearly expressed your boundaries. Have you expressed what the consequences are if she chooses to cross the line? Could you maybe say "Mom, it hurts my feeling when you (name the behavior) and if you don't stop, I will (name the consequence)"? If you think limited contact is best for your situation, you may also want to look at the gray rock technique in which you limit the information you share with her. You can find a broader definition and application at Let’s Talk About the Grey Rock Technique — MyWellbeing.
@PeaceLoveandPaws Thank you very much for your response. I will look into the technique. I do have some listeners on here I trust with the information.
