My mom is inflexible. I'm tired.
My mother criticises my boyfriend for everything and anything. He's a really great man who makes me immensely happy, helps me grow, is hardworking, nice, kind, honest and thoughtful. He's an architect, he's 35 and I'm 25. Yes, I have tried to talk to her and asked her why she doesn't like him. She just said 'he's not good enough for you because he doesn't have a stable job, he's ugly and I think he's rude'. Now let's break it down. I explained to her and I let you all know that my country is going through a hard time regarding employment and economy and it's incredibly difficult to find a stable job with growth opportunities. All you can find is contracts for a few months that last as long as the project does. Even though I explained with evidence and examples (nor me or my friends, all architects, have stable jobs either), she doesn't believe me. He was born into a poor environment with a single mother, so the money he has made since he started working has barely been enough to pay for the food he and his mom eat (she lives on a minimum wage of my country that's the equivalent to around 200 usd/month) , the bills of the house they live in, maintenance of his bike which is his main hobby and means of transportation, and try and save some money.
As for the 'ugly' argument, he lost a tooth in an accident one year ago but hasn't had money to fix it. It was painful and he feels sad for not being able to smile. He hasn't been able to do it because he hasn't been working, but because orthodontic treatments in my country are super expensive -around 5 000 USD/year- and, as you can tell from the minimum wage mentioned above, jobs, even professional jobs, are not well paid. My mom keeps ranting about how he hasn't got a tooth and she finds it disgusting to look at him and is super offended about how he hasn't got a treatment.
Why does she think he's rude? She says it's because he doesn't greet her with 'good morning, Mrs. HerName' but with a smile and a friendly 'hello, how are you?'. Now, I know many people are formal and like being treated that way. Well, my mom is not one of those people, she has always been one to criticise the replies 'yes, Sir' or 'no, Sir' because she finds it submissive and humiliating and she was never offended by my exes greeting her that way (even though she also criticised them but now that we're no longer together, she sees them as saints).
My boyfriend knows she doesn't like him and he's tried to be super cute and bring some gifts home (specially food), he talks to her to start conversations (but she thinks it's him showing off and trying to be the typical charismatic guy), he asks her things about her (but she sees it as him trespassing her personal life). He's never said a single bad thing about her and always encourages me to talk to her and fix things, he wants us to have a good relationship.
So you see, this attitude of hers is not only shown towards my boyfriend but also towards me, my friends and my father and his friends. It's tiring and even though my dad and I have tried to talk to her about this and how harmful it is, she won't admit that she's overly critical. If we don't do what she wants us to do, she will withdraw her affection and approval and start acting like we offended her. I have only heard her say 'I'm sorry' once and that is when my aunt died because she feels she was too harsh towards her. And even though she recognised it in this case, she doesn't recognise if she keeps doing this with her living loved ones, she'll feel the same once they're gone. I'm just plain tired. I don't want to live with her anymore because the boundaries I've set are not enough but I don't have the stable job or savings needed to live on my own. It's frustrating and I feel it contributes a lot with my already existing depression (due to financial instability and academic stress).
I really can't talk to her and expect a negotiation. She constantly feels I'm 'against her' if I express a different opinion to hers. I reslly can't see a way out.
@Justapartofmylife
It sounds very frustrating and tiresome that your mother is over-stepping over your boundaries. You mentioned she has been critical of the boyfriends you've had in the past, but treats you current boyfriend worse than your previous boyfriends. You've detailed the mean things she's said and her reasons for saying those things. Why do you think she is tougher on this boyfriend? Is this relationship is more special or serious than your previous relationships? Are there places you and he can spend time together that are outside of your home?
You mentioned you've tried to talk with your mother and her reactions have been very negative. And, it hasn't stopped her from crossing your boundaries. What does you dad think of her behavior and her treatment of you? Is he someone who is supportive of you and your relationship?
I understand job opportunities aren't available in your field at this time and that finances are a big factor in both yours and your boyfriends lives. It's hard to save money you don't have. Financial stress and school stress can take a toll on your mental wellbeing. It sounds like your mom is adding even more stress and pressure. I do hope circumstances will change for you soon as jobs in your field become more plentiful.
Hey thanks for your answer. Yes, this relationship is more serious than the previous ones. She keeps pointing out to me how xyz's son has such a nice car and is so handsome, which she did before too but now she does it more often. Yes, we try not to spend much time at my house since my mom shows her discomfort openly when he comes but then she will ask in a rude way why we have to go out or why we have go to his house instead of being here (wherever we go, he comes pick me up and drops me home again).
My father is supportive of our relationship. He has manifested me and by boyfriend why he doubts he's the best partner for me in a very respectful manner, explaining he's just concerned about him not having a stable job. However, he says he respects my decision because he can see he helps build me up, like a worthwile relationship should, whether it lasts five or twenty years. Besides, he also believes my mother is overly critical since he's lived in his own flesh my mother's criticism towards my step-siblings (my father's other son and daughters, who I love very much and are wonderful people) and his friends, who he stopped seeing often to please my mother. I understand where she's coming from, specially because this is a pattern she's replicating of how my grandmother has always treated her, but I also know I have to break this pattern now that I've realised it.
Thank you for your support, I am looking forward to better opportunities outside the country since I speak three languages apart from my native language. We'll hope for the best and keep working hard.