Our children

I have two sons and a daughter. Only one son is my biological. And I have been a single mom his whole life. He is 12 years old. Since he has been born we have never bonded the way I have seen mothers and their children bond. I don’t understand it because I have been with him by his side since the first breath he took. My mom and I are really close. We have that bond that I have seen with other mothers and their children have. My son and I struggle everyday to get along. He claims he loves his grandmother more, and respects her more. A stranger from the street can see that. He listens to her when she tells him to do something. When I tell him to do something it’s **** you mom, no, go to hell etc. I have never talked to my mother in a disrespectful manner. I have never made it a point to hurt my mothers feelings intentionally. I know my son is nothing like me but I do believe that he doesn’t want to be like me. He would rather be like his grandmother. There have been times where I want to raise up my hands a say I am done fighting. The more I think of doing that the more I fight to be his mother. I am a good mother I know that with all my heart and soul. I feel like I am a failure. Not because I do drugs never really have, not because I am an alcoholic never really have been one not because I am abusive never would I ever be that way but because I put my son first in every decision, every life event, in everyday it’s still not good enough. I’m never going to be good enough. So in order to keep what little I have of myself I need to let my son live with his grandmother, my mother. I have his best interest at heart. And the only way I can assure that I will be okay and my son be ok is to let my mom raise him the rest of the way and get him every weekend and pay $200 a month to help support him. My heart really hurts but I don’t know what else to do.