Racist parents. What to do?
Hi. I’m stressed because I am Latino/white man and my girlfriend is Black and my parents are racist. They voted for Trump and have said a lot of racist things. They have never said racist things to her but they have said them to me. My girlfriend doesn’t want to interact with my parents at all and doesn’t want to see them. She and I both feel a ton of anger towards them for a lot of reasons. My parents also watch a lot of FOX News and their coverage is extremely racist and it causes me a ton of stress.
My girlfriend does not want to visit my parents at all and I am not sure what to do. I haven’t talked to my parents about this but I have no idea how to even start this conversation. I’m feeling very lost and overwhelmed.
@laborunionguy
sounds really tricky 🙁
I wish your parents werent so judgemental and racists and could try to understand that it's not cool bashing people for things they have no control on and shouldn't even be worth something to argue about
It's ok to feel overwhelmed and confused you may hate your parents but it sounds like their opinion on the person you date matters to you? Is it so?
how do you feel about trying to have a conversation with your parents about how their words affect you and your partner? Maybe they can try to understand a little
@Optimisticempath
It’s extremely frustrating. I want to talk to them but I don’t know how they would react. I think they would be angry but I don’t care. Let them get angry.
In reality though, I am usually not confrontational but I think I have to get more confrontational. I can’t stand their views and beliefs and I have to confront them. I have to set boundaries with them. If they are not willing to try to be better people then I have to think about what kind of relationship, if any, I want to have with them.
If I am forced to choose between them and my girlfriend I will choose my girlfriend. No question. But I also hope that I won’t have to be that harsh. I guess we will see how it goes. Fortunately I have a therapist so I think I have to talk about this with him and see what his thoughts are.
@laborunionguy
im sorry it has come down to this but you are doing really well trying to weigh different options and setting boundaries sound helpful. Good luck with the conversation , remember you are trying to make them aware of your feelings and you're allowed to express them
It sounds like a great idea to seek your therapist's thoughts on this also
You may find this helpful too
I struggle with boundaries also 😅
@Optimisticempath
Thank you. I think talking to my therapist is a great idea too. This issue really goes to the core of a lot of my stress right now and is probably a big cause of my anxiety and depression. I appreciate your thoughts on this.
And I will check out the article you sen me and let you know my thoughts on it. I really appreciate your support. I need to try to surround myself with people who actually share my values. 🙏🏼
@laborunionguy
Anxiety is valid to experience in situations like these I get it
Glad you appreciate it and sure, take your time and do let share anytime :)
it does work wonders being surrounded by supportive people
Did you talk to your therapist already? How did it go?
@Optimisticempath
I haven’t talked to my therapist yet but I have a session on Tuesday. I think I should talk about this and my struggles with the concept of “family” in general. There’s been some stuff that’s come up in the last few days and I think that I really need to talk about what family means to me or what kind of relationship I want to have with specific people who I define as “family” like my sister and parents. I’m just kind of going through a lot at this moment, it’s kind of hard to explain. I was just at my girlfriend’s sister’s wedding and it triggered a lot for me. It was a weird experience and was pretty stressful.
I looked at the article but it was hard to read on my phone 😅… But I’ll try to check it out when I get on my computer-
@Optimisticempath
Sorry this is my second account, I didn’t realize I was on it 🙊
@laborunionguy
It is very upsetting when our circles don't line up with each other. Even more so when two circles of people whom we care for actively want no part of the other. This kind of thing is something that many of us do go through, so hang in there because the fact you care for each group and that they care for you can help serve as that bridge.
Though it is hard for people to admit they are wrong and change their values, it can happen. I am sorry that you are suffering through this right now, even more so that you seen to be stuck in the middle with nowhere to go. Keep in touch with both groups and with those outside the groups.
It is hard, but things will get easier. The fact each group cares for you means that there is a piece of them willing to work for you, even if it takes them time to work through their currently held values.
@SamEF
Thank you for the message. I am hopeful that progress can be made. The issue, I think, is that my parents see themselves as above racism and definitely not racist in any way. I think we all have biases internally that we all need to address and face because of the cultures and environments we grew up in, so I think every white person could technically be called “racist.” But we need to face these things, the fact that we have this inside us doesn’t make us bad people…. However, if we are not willing to accept and face and try to change these things, then that does make us bad people.
I think in this case, I need to find a way to open up space and have challenging and potentially uncomfortable conversations with my parents. I guess I have to be willing to be uncomfortable. And I have to set boundaries and see how they respond. But I think mostly I have to have courage and be brave and try to live my values.
I also think I really need to discuss this in therapy. I talk about a lot of things with my therapist and have discussed this somewhat but I think I have to focus on it a lot more because I have been downplaying just how much it is affecting me….
@laborunionguy
Your response and the clarity you have on the situation is wonderful. It will be tough for sure, challenging their views, but you seem willing to do it. You have the support of all of us here at 7 cups. We are here for you, always.
@SamEF
Thank you, I am so grateful to hear that. I am scared but know that I have support here and that I can get through anything.
@laborunionguy
I grew up with racists in my family too. Local cousins, uncles, grandmother, etc. I married a black woman eventually. I was not racist growing up, but I didn't know how to refute them either, so I said nothing except occasionally ask questions like Why do you think that? And then I would give my own opinion and I was always the odd one in my family for thinking differently.
I eventually realized that:
- Family is the people who are there for you, care about you, and people whom you choose to have in your life. I have no other family than the people I call my friends now.
- My wife deserves to be treated with respect and I will never put her in harms way even if it is just entering a room full of racists. I won't go.
- Just because my family is blood, doesn't mean that they are good people, doesn't mean that they love me, doesn't mean that I am required to have them deep in my life. Some people will tell you that family is everything and you have to do "this" or "that". The truth is that many people have really crappy parents, even abusive ones, and....
- No one needs to put effort into a relationship that is negative, or that is potentially dangerous to their physical or mental health no matter whether its a blood relative or not.
My advice is to just do your own thing. And if your family asks why you're never around any more, tell them the truth in a calm but firm way taking emotion out of it. There are plenty of good, non racist people out there, go do your own thing and seek positive vibes. Focus on the positive, not pushing away the negative, and it will come to you. You can't change other people, you can only control your own life and your own actions. So use your mind and your feet to put yourself somewhere other than with negative people.
@TheGuardner really loved what you shared ❤❤
@TheGuardner
Thank you, I really appreciate your perspective. This situation is so stressful but it is so much more stressful for my girlfriend than for me. I have a really hard time being assertive and setting boundaries in my family relationships, but I have to do it and learn how to be more assertive. My parents are very controlling and don’t really respect boundaries, and I hope they will learn and grow and decide to face their own racism but I am also doubtful.
I have to confront them about this. I don’t know exactly what I want to say and what language I want to use but I have to do it.
Thank you very much for your message-
Hey,
Trying to change someone else is a futile exercise. You must decide what you’re going to put up with and stand firm in that. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I think we can all agree about that. Your parents, just as everyone else, deserves to be accepted unconditionally. If you are going around them and judging them harshly for their viewpoints, needing them to change and being in their presence when you don’t like them… well that is very unfair. It’s also probably the source of your anger. How would you feel if someone hated you and your POV yet kept coming around you harping about how wrong you are?
You are going to either have to not go around them or simply not engage in the conversations with them that you don’t like. Eventually they will stop.
I didn’t like the way my parents run things and I left their vicinity. Better this than to constantly point the finger and blame.
C
@littleKiwi9399
I’m more likely to cut them off than anything. But I have to start by setting boundaries. We’ll see how this goes.
@laborunionguy Are your parents supportive of you in other ways or are they kind of toxic in general? What kind of relationship do you have with them? If you feel like they overall care about you, maybe you could start from making it personal, like talk about how you met your gf, how much you care about her, cute dates you had together etc. You could say you feel protective of her and feel uncomfortable with some things they said and there are certain things you don't want them to say when she is there.
I feel like your gf is within reason to not want to spend time with them, and maybe that boundary unfortunately has to remain if you want to stay together. Maybe they will be open to having conversations and become more self-aware over more time or maybe you will end up focusing more on time with your gf and friends that are more accepting. I'm sorry you are struggling with this.
@Daydreamer47
They are kind to me and try to be kind to her as well. The issue is that I know a lot about them and so does my girlfriend. She doesn’t feel comfortable spending time with them unless I talk to them about a lot of their beliefs and behaviors that are the most problematic. I think some progress can be made, but I am not sure exactly what boundary I want to set. I think that is what I have to narrow down. I think 7 Cups is a good place to do that.
I am going to try to talk more about this in therapy and see how that goes. I think that is a place where I will be able to explore this more. My girlfriend finds it really stressful when I try to talk about this with her but I feel like we kind of have to if we are going to be in a relationship.
@laborunionguy Racism has absolutely no logic but is based on rather a lack of empathy or understanding for other people. It's hard to have a logical conversation with someone who is racist in order to change their beliefs, especially when you're their son (Someone your parents have always seen as their little baby), so the fact is that they're not going to take your opinion seriously. I think it's best you separate your family life from your girlfriend, and you probably want to spend a lot less time with your parents because it would feel really bad for your girlfriend to know you're spending so much time with people who dislike her for just having more melanin in her skin. You have to choose your battles. It's obviously really tough to deal with such parents.
@CelestialAurora
I think I am definitely going to have to spend less time with them. I think they are only capable of a limited amount of growth. I am scared to have these conversations with them but I think I have to start by just telling them that I am uncomfortable bringing my girlfriend to their house for a lot of reasons and tell them what those reasons are. Based on their response I will determine if it is fruitful to keep talking to them or not, or what my next steps should be….
@laborunionguy One thing I have learned, is that once someone is stuck in their ways, nothing you say or do can change that. I would not confront them because it isn't worth it. All it will do is cause more stress for you. Y'all are a mixed couple, focus on the love you two have for one another and forget what people think. You gotta have a thick skin and courage when your living in this kind of world. Focus on the good. Keep your mind on the positives and keep living. I wish you and your girlfriend all the blessings in your relationship✨❤
@DaisyBeeBlooming
Thank you 🙏🏼
It is incredibly sad that our relationship brings these challenges. Racism is so widespread and evil. I want to focus on my girlfriend and my relationship with her. I love her so incredibly much
