Struggling with seeing my mom this weekend
CW: grief, loss of family member
Hi,
I am seeing my mom this weekend because it is the funeral for my brother Friday and Saturday. I have a rough relationship with my mom because of her verbal abusive behavior for many years in the past. At the same time, she constantly wants attention and a close mother daughter relationship which I keep trying to set boundaries around that she frequently doesn't respect and sends many messages/emails despite me asking to talk less frequently. I did set some boundaries to go in my own car and stay in my apartment. She also asked to meet separately for coffee, and I said no. She also asked in a text if I needed any help with anything this weekend. I am wondering if I should use that opportunity to express something like it's going to be a hard weekend and I might not want to chat much or something, or maybe just say no for this time and see what boundaries I might need to set after things have calmed down after this weekend, knowing it will only be two days with many other people there.
Day
@Daydreamer47
I'm glad to hear that you have started to set boundaries between yourself and your mother, but it seems like she doesn't want to respect that. Though it may be hard, I think you should be more firm in asserting what you want and what you want your relationship to be like. Once she knows she can start pushing and breaking your boundaries, things will only get worse. You are completely valid for wanting to have space and if I were in your position I would do the same thing. People like that only will gaslight and manipulate you to do what they want without considering your feelings. Never feel bad for not wanting a relationship with her or cutting her off. I'm also sorry to hear about your brother's passing, may he rest in peace. I'm sure he was a great person and brother as well. Things must be hard during these times especially with your mother intruding all the time, but you have to stick to your resolutions. I believe in you and do what you think is best. Stay strong and stay safe.
@xuchristina Thank you. I appreciate it. I usually live in another state from her, so it's easier to tell her I don't want to talk as often from a distance or just not respond to emails or phone calls if it's more often than I want. I feel like I just have to get through these two days of being in person and try to focus on my cousins and friends that will be there.
As an update: on Friday we are supposed to have dinner at 3:30. Visitation is 6 to 9 at the funeral home. For some reason, she says the funeral home wants us there 45 minutes early at 5:15, but I am not involved in dealing with arrangements or checking in, so I don't see why I can't just go at visitation hours?? I told her I wanted to take a break and get coffee in between because that's all like 6 hours of big group socializing plus dealing with my parents. She responded that there won't be time and someone could get me coffee. I have my own car, so I think I'm just going to get coffee and take my time going to the visitation when I'm ready, can always say there was traffic or a long line at Dunkin Donuts or something. As you said, she keeps pushing back when I try to set boundaries, constantly wants attention/support, for me to be there for long hours, and generally I feel like the whole things revolves around my parents being in control and my mom's needs.