Tense Mother/Daughter Relationship
Me and my mom have a strained relationship. At 36, I am the oldest out of six children. She got pregnant with me a few months before turning 18. Our relationship seemed good until about the time I became a teenager myself. As I get older, she seems to get more and more resentful, combative, unemotional towards me and almost competitive. I hate it. I want the mom my siblings get, the one that openly says "I love you". That hasn't been said to my face since I was a child, but she has no problem saying it to my siblings. They've even called her out on it and she quickly changed the subject. What is going on with her? Is there a way I can help or make it stop? I'm tired of her saying rude comments to me, gaslighting me, making herself out to be the victim and rarely apologizing. I'm tired of being the bigger person and apologizing for things that didn't happen just to keep the peace.
@PrairieRebel507
Hello and I am glad that you are here. Thank you for sharing. I hear what you are saying, and I feel how difficult it is. You have done many good things, and I know you take most of the burden of effort on yourself. At some point, it seems the next step is to make sure that she surely knows what you need and understands you. That may be more easily conveyed in writing than in real time. I'm guessing you've already done a great job with that, but if you haven't, that's where to start. Beyond that, you say what you need, and tell her clearly, and, sadly, if she cannot do that, then at some point you have the difficult task of accepting that and moving forward with the rest of your life.
You are good, and that is clear, and you will make good for you. All you can do is to tell her what you need, and then see if she does, and perhaps eventually accept if she does not.
I know it is difficult. You're not alone. Thank you for sharing. You are safe here.
Jeff
Children have to separate from their parents. This begins during the teenage years. For a min, this can feel like rejection. It can be actually physically painful for a mom to feel less needed, less special, less important. Our kids think of us as gods when they're little lol. But as they grow, they begin to see us as real humans. We get left in the past. As her first born, you were the first to do this. A mature, mentally stable person can see this and understand it is necessary. But your mom was also really young and probably didn't have the maturity or stability necessary to cope with the ups and downs of raising a chd when she herself was a child. I presume she didnt have the best support systems in place either...husband, loving family, financial stability. I believe she is still stuck in that time when you started to seek out your own independence. None of this is your fault. And this is just my guess. But I know therapy can help. Otherwise you may just have to accept it, and be content that she does love you, even though she's incapable of showing it. You are not alone and you are not to blame 🤗
