Toxic family

Hi, I am really glad that I am venting everything out today. I have kept this inside me for so long and lived a life pretending that I am raised in a normal family environment. From outside I might look perfect, a girl who is pretty, well dressed , polished, who has an amazing career and now about to get married. But I know the reality. In this pandemic I have been living with my parents from almost 1 year now and things are not normal. I stay in a different city because of my job but because of current situation I am stuck. I almost forgot that my family is not a normal happy family since I used to interact with my mum for few minutes when I was living away from house. I have never called my dad and spoke to him but it was neutral with him. I am not attached to my dad at all. Infact I hate him. I hate him for who he is. He is this stupid, emotionally unavailable, dumb guy who lacks social skills. He is so dumb that anyone can trick him. He is a two faced man. People who knew him from outside think that he is a reserved, innocent guy. His other personality is very ugly. He cusses a lot, he makes faces and fights on petty issues with my mum. He takes least interest in children's life. He has been doing this since our childhood. He is such a pussy that one day his brother tried slapping my mum and he didn't do anything. My mum has raised us with struggle without any emotional and mental support. My dad's parents have abandoned him over property issues. He is not in a speaking terms with his siblings. He left his parents house and started living with my mum away from his family. My mum and her mother's family supported him in the tough times when he needed the financial support. After living separately my both parents used to have constant fights where they used to engage in verbal abuse and breaking stuff. Me and my brother grew up in such environment. Everyday there is a fight in our house till today on petty issues, even our neighbours know it well as they hear constant voices from our house. It's very insulting. Me and my brother have developed anger issues and violent behaviour from our parents. I am ashamed to mention that I have engaged in very noisy brawl with my parents and in certain situations I have physically abused my mum too. I blame my parents for this. When I was living outside with strangers I never got violent towards them. I have tried guided meditation but help me how to be a better person. I love my fiance and his family. I don't want to be a violent person. I am trying improving my behaviour but I can't forgive my father. I hate him for making me somewhat like him. I hate him for his existence. I feel bad and guilty for my actions but when I get angry things are not in control. Please help me 🥺