family stress

im not sure if im writing this in the right area but I just needed to get this off my chest: I try so hard with my family, I try so hard to take care of them and make them happy while still making myself happy too. My family over the years have caused me so much internal pain but at the end of the day, they're family so I still love them. It's toxic for me, yet I'm stuck here.. it would cause so much financial strain on me if I were to move but it seems like it's the only way that I see actual peace. We've always struggled financially and now I've started working and it seems as if much of the problems we face fall on me. At least that's how it feels. If there is no food, I feel it's on me.. if there is a leak or anything I feel it's on me. I'm torn between wanting to do things for myself and risk being called selfish and still being able to help them even though they cause me pain. I admit I have been selfish previously, and I can also admit that I still am. But it's because I have to be, it's because growing up I had to be.. had to take care of myself and make sure I was good because I learned to believe early that it was me against the world. But I'm not selfish, if I could I'd find a way to make each member of my family happy.. but it seems as if that's too big of a responsibility for me. I don't have enough money, things with my health need to be taken care of, but things in my house is falling apart and I need to help my parents out. I just get overwhelmed because it constantly feels like the more I try and save up for myself and for my family, the more things pop up and need to be taken care of. My self esteem in this house is probably at its lowest because I chose to do something selfish a few days ago, when it was over it seemed like I only made it worse with my family and even tho they make me feel so bad about myself, I still feel responsible to help us out and use my savings to help my parents out. Ontop of that school work just keeps coming, Im just barely got out of a toxic relationship and it's lonely here. I don't have anyone to talk to, and I know there are worse situations specifically going on right now I just needed to vent. Needed to figure out how I can just make a way for myself here and come out sane, while still being able to help out my family. Idk, the winter always feels like this.