family views
i just recently had a talk with my mom about how i don’t feel connected to family like people should be. when i think of family i think of pain, and it only makes me distance myself from my family. I don’t have a solid ground on love and protection for my family or the feeling of unity, i don’t feel connected to that word at all. i ask myself is there something wrong with me? I’m a big sister of 6 siblings and i love them very much as if they were my own children and i would do anything for them but at the same time i don’t want to take care of anyone, i don’t want to worry about anyone but myself. i feel conflicted and spilt in half.. i often ask myself who am i if not “the oldest” “big sister” “first born”. i’ve been trying to find myself and who i am but there are more questions than answers that i have right now.
@okbuddyman
I think exploring who you are outside of being the oldest or the big sister can be scary and exciting at the same time. Fnding your own path and your own identity can be something that causes mixed emotions. It's clear that you love your siblings very much even though you feel disconnected from your family. It sounds like there was a lot of family friction as you were growing up. Would that be a correct statement? Do you feel like you were, directly or indirectly, responsible for being a caretaker for your siblings?
exactly that. i grew up being taught to “grow up quick” having to be the adult when the adults weren’t available. and yes a lot of family friction, a lot of family being the first people to show me how bad people can hurt you, very toxic, etc. and since i’m the oldest, i took everything in firsthand. as i get older i understand where my parents were in their mind states, young adults not knowing themselves yet either and it wasn’t a good mix. kids raising kids. and i am starting to understand and forgive, but it’s hard to forget when it’s whats molded me for what i know right now as most of my life.