my mom thinks i’m her therapist.n
I’m just a teenager. My mom didn’t use to be like this, only about 2 or 3 years ago. My sister has BPD and my mother has depression and anxiety. Me, being the only one in the family who doesn’t have any mental health issues, i get the short end of the stick for everything. Anytime my sister does something to hurt my moms feelings, i am the one she talks to about, and if i don’t comfort her i am told that i am such a bad daughter, and that i don’t love her. i don’t know what to do anymore. if i do anything, even just backtalk like a normal teenager, i am yelled at, and told that i’m the reason she is so depressed. i feel like i can’t do anything right, so i try not to talk at all but even that is wrong. it’s mother’s day weekend, and i wanted to go visit my dad who i haven’t seen in a month, i was coming back on mother’s day and we were going to see a movie but my mom still complains about how we are embarrassed of her and don’t love her and how lonely she is. i love my mother, but i hate her.
@practicalPapaya2497
Are you able to talk to another adult that you trust about this? It feels like you should share these feelings with your other parent or a trusted relative, in order to get some good ideas on how to talk to your mom about what you need. One thing I hope you know is that you are not being a bad daughter, not in the least. I can tell you love her as I read this post.
Hi @practicalPapaya2497,
I've been in your shoes before, my mother used me as her therapist, and when I did not react how she wanted, she'd be both verbally or physically abusive. To this day, I have very limited contact with her due to my oldest brother living with her, and eventually plan on going no contact. I am currently no contact with my father[my parents are separated too, like yours].
I also have my own little family, it's just me and my son who's a toddler. I would NEVER expect my son to be my therapist, that is not his job nor would I EVER in my life say my son is "bad". To me, that sounds like verbal abuse and a put down. My mother also used to tell me "You don't love me! You love your friends more!", as a manipulation tactic. It's not right.
What you're feeling is valid. It's OK to both hate and love your mother. It's okay to only love her. It's even okay to hate her. With mine, I feel indifferent and have no feelings at all, which is OK too.
To help cope, I recommend journalling[which can also help document the abuse you are experiencing]. Furthermore, when dealing with people who have mental illnesses or are abusive, you can try Grey Rocking them. The Grey Rock method is basically becoming "emotionally non-responsive" to the toxic person. Avoid telling that person about your personal life, avoid eye contact or any emotional response. Give short, boring answers until the toxic person gives up.
I know you're a teen right now, but are you able to stay with your father or another relative for a bit? I think seeing a therapist or school counselor could also help. Talk to your father about what's going on, he may be able to help you.
There's also the Domestic Violence Hotline, that you can call, text, or use an instant messenger on their website anonymously [use whatever name,age,etc that you want]. They can provide you with resources[and in some cases, free individual therapy].
What your mother is doing is NOT okay. It is verbal abuse, and it's domestic abuse towards her own child.
You can talk to the DV Hotline here: https://www.thehotline.org/ There are many good listeners there. I went to them when I was with my abusive ex/son's father. They can also help provide many resources, even legal, by directing you on who to speak with.
I wish you well friend, and please keep us updated!
I want to make sure you're doing okay, Papaya.