you broke me

im writing this letter to get out all of the things i wish to say to my family but will never say, these feelings are getting too overwhelming:

since i was little i don't think you've ever accepted me, i remember you loving her more than me, i remember being told to all my aunts and uncles that i was the trouble maker and that i would never listen. i remember the anger episodes i'd have and having you guys hold me down like i was crazy or something, i remember how weak you'd make me feel everytime they gang up on me and you'd either stand there and watch or pretend it never happened. my sisters, my older sisters- my first bullies taught me that i was weak and powerless and that someone like me could never be strong enough to defend myself. my sister, the one i was born with the one i loved maybe even more than myself i remember all the times you stood there and watched as they tried to kick me out the house. till this day i still fight for you, and i forgive you over and over even when i now know you will never show me the same love.

i might not have been the middle child but why did you always make it seem like i was? like i didn't belong? like i always had to fight for my place just because i wouldn't let you treat me any way.

to my parents, to my broken parents who gave birth to broken children in a broken home. i hate you because i love you, and even tho you always managed to put food on the table, i can never remember a time where you told me that i was beautiful or that i mattered. maybe it was because no one ever taught you, but i just wish you could've learned from the love you never got and gave it to us. the child of an alcoholic dad and an emotionally distant self hating women.. i walked in the world alone not knowing the world would break me even more than you did.

and after graduating and being stuck with you in the same year, i decided to finally try to heal myself from all the mistakes i made growing up.. i tried to be a better person for myself and for you. but I'm realizing now you will never see me. you have never seen me, and you have never needed me.