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Dealing with defensive parents who make you question yourself

User Profile: Daydreamer47
Daydreamer47 April 24th, 2023
Below is the email I sent my mom. We have had a difficult relationship in the past but she likes to give gifts. I didn't want to come off as spoiled but tried to express to her that it sometimes upsets me that she focuses on buying me things while at the same time has yelled at me/put me down a lot and my parents fight in front of me. I would rather she acknowledge my feelings and treat me better than buy me things. I really tried to express this calmly and use I statements, but she took it personally and responded say "My feelings were hurt by your negative response." It is really making me doubt myself because she completely dismissed my feelings and I know I tried very hard to express how I felt without putting her down. It seems like she sees me expressing something is bothering me or wanting something different that what she wants as being negative.




"Hi Mom,

I understand that this is important to you and appreciate the intention. However, I feel annoyed by having to do research to receive a gift. Please choose whatever you like, and I will not complain about it.

In general, I have mixed feelings about receiving gifts from the family, because I have felt that my concerns and feelings have been dismissed. If you want to give me a "gift", I would prefer for both of you to work on helping me to feel safer by working on communication skills and reducing conflict and reactivity through self-help and professional help."


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User Profile: toughTiger6481
toughTiger6481 April 24th, 2023

@Daydreamer47 good for you ...... telling parents now is always better then waiting and rehashing a bunch from the past .... I know it is difficult but always better when people are upfront

User Profile: Daydreamer47
Daydreamer47 OP April 24th, 2023

@toughTiger6481 I mean thanks, but she just ignored what I said and took it personally/was defensive.

User Profile: toughTiger6481
toughTiger6481 April 24th, 2023

@Daydreamer47

how she chose to take it is on her NOT you... pure and simple when we avoid how we feel or truth because someone MIght not take it well it just puts a muzzle on us ... solves NOTHING.

she sounds like she does not have good communication skills............... and is teaching you to avoid conflict which does not work out well in the long run.....

it takes time and sometimes repeated items for it to sink in but once it does your relationship will be better IMO

User Profile: Daydreamer47
Daydreamer47 OP April 24th, 2023

@toughTiger6481 I have been confronting her and telling her how I feel many times. At this point, I basically just barely speak to the both of them. What's hard is I don't have much support elsewhere and there are a lot of things they didn't teach me I have to teach myself and I am in constant survival mode.

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