How do people manage to be present for their loved ones while they themselves find life overwhelming
I see people do this . And i always wish i could learn how to. Why doesn't the bitterness of the situation seep into everything else ? . I mess up , a lot . I don't know how to be available for People I care when I struggle. It feels like betraying them but unable to help it inspite everything. I think it's a common feeling? Atleast I hope so , or I am just a crap person. Is it common? How does one deal with it ? How do you do it right?
@Dirtshine
I think it is a balancing act to be present when we ourselves are dealing with our own issues.
We can only give what we can spare.... some days we have nothing to give. I think many people watch others and see things that look so easy and like they figured it out.... but often we see an act. do not be so hard on yourself based on a glimpse of others ... we may have only seen a piece of the whole story.
@toughTiger6481
Hey 👋, thank you for sharing your insight with so much understanding. "'We can only give what we can spare...' These words really resonated with I'm grateful for the reminder.
@Dirtshine you are certainly not a crap person and how do I know that you might ask 😁 well it's because you wouldn't be asking this question in the first place unless you cared. All any of us can do is our best. It's not easy to help others if we are struggling ourselves 🥰💜
@Amanda84 , You're really sweet to say that, and it means a lot! Yeah, I'm just trying to figure things out as I go. Thanks for the reminder that it's okay to not have all the answers.
@Dirtshine The pleasure is mine 🥰💜
@Dirtshine
For me it's a matter of borders. Bringing too much of home or relationship bad moods to workplace is unprofessional. Bringing school or work anger home seems even worse idea.
I think it's the magic of doors: the moment I open or close the door, I am in another world.
Of course, it's very human to feel irritated, sad, disappointed or discouraged sometimes. But we can share our feelings with our friends, family members or spouses. And a hand, a smile or a hug of a loved one can put the world back into the right proportions.
If you are depressed at home, it might be a little more difficult. But still there are days and moments when we feel overwhelmed. There is no way to prevent it. And many people may need some silent moments from time to time.
It's not easy when it's almost midnight and I am sleepy and overloaded while my kids are still jumping and laughing out loudly in their beds. Or when my partner says my co-workers are stupid and she doesn't wanna hear about my workplace again. But still worth trying 😉
@jacek73 , Your "door magic" idea is really cool and makes a lot of sense! It's like, sometimes we need to mentally switch gears and be present in the moment, whether that's at work or at home. I can imagine it's not easy balancing everything, but it's awesome that you're trying and being honest about it. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. How do you deal with moments when you feel like you're not getting it right? Or when you make mistakes?
@Dirtshine
I am afraid we are all humans and everybody is making mistakes. It can be quite easy as soon as you live on your own, alone. But when you meet someone and children are born, things are getting more complicated.
Being a parent is a mixture of joys, worries and repeated activities. From my experience being overwhelmed, overstimulated and underslept can be a daily (and nightly) routine. And then suddenly your kids become more and more independent teenagers, and you start to miss this sweet tender age. And all the bigger and smaller mistakes you made in the past are attacking your with guilt with a double strength.
As for living with a partner, I think it is important to let them have some time peace and quiet, or having a nap, when they go back from work exhausted - if possible. And it's not always necessary to share the same activity - when my partner is making a cake in the kitchen and I am removing the excessive snow from our backyard - that may also count as being together.
When you realize you might have hurt somebody's feelings, you can look your loved person straight into the eyes, or take their hand, and say "I am sorry".
@Dirtshine someone said already that its about balance and they re a 100 percent right, with your loved ones its a relationship where you go to them with your stuff and they come to you with their stuff you know its a give and take which for me is a healthy support system so it becomes something very endearing and functional.
@Reaper17 , Thank you so much for your kind words . I really appreciate your perspective on balance and support in relationships.
@Dirtshine I compartmentalize at times which isnt the healthiest but it works for me and the ability to put your problems aside for little while bears fruits for me because when talking to other people and their problems while dealing with your own stuff really puts everything into perspective and makes you understand your own problems better. Its like listening on here where all the members have these different problems and you look at them and the pieces for your own stuff start falling into place and you just feel not alone with your problems if any of this makes any sense.
@Reaper17 , compartmentalization works for me sometimes. It does help me keep aside problems for a while . At time I find it hard to black the crap. stuff out
@Dirtshine hope and complete belief that whatever you re going through you ll be okay takes you a very long way. I always believed that no soul will face anything that it cant bear so with that belief i push through everything and thats something that keeps me going always.
@Dirtshine I go through something similar when I'm triggered to the point I start to dissociate. I can't hear, think, or talk just react or freeze. And yeah, I feel bad that I can't be present for my people when it's something I pride myself on. I used to try and excuse it, or pretend that I know what they are saying when I obviously didn't hear a word, now days I say "Sorry, I'm really struggling and can barely focus. I want to be here for you but I'm not even here for myself at this point." Sometimes saying that is enough to snap me back into the present other times I have to go sit by myself, just cope and know I'm doing the best I can.
@geistbaum71
Hey! So first—major apologies for the ridiculously late reply. I just saw that you responded way back on May 19th, and I honestly felt bad realizing I’d completely missed it.
Thank you so much for being so open and real about your experience. The way you described dissociation—like not being able to hear, think, or even talk—really hit me. Especially that part about pretending to follow a convo when your brain has totally checked out… I felt that. And the line “I’m not even here for myself at this point- It put words to something I’ve struggled to name in myself.
If you’re comfortable sharing, I’d really like to hear more—not because I’m trying to analyze it, but because I think I relate. Sometimes it feels like I’m in those moments too, and hearing how someone else experiences and handles it helps me feel a little less isolated. But truly, no pressure at all. Just wanted to say I really appreciate you taking the time to respond, and I see the strength in what you shared.
@Dirtshine You’re right, it’s not easy for everyone to act that way. It’s really an art of balancing. If we understand that our problems won’t go away by isolating ourselves, then we can see that sparing a little time for the people we love actually helps us too. Giving them presence and care can ease the overwhelming weight of our own struggles.
@SoulHeaven
I really appreciate the way you put that—it makes a lot of sense. I do tend to slip into isolation when I’m struggling, but what you said about balance gave me something to think about. That something I will have to work on 🫂
It's hard. Thank you for being honest and sincere about your situation, sometimes that's the first step, actually realising.
Sometimes it comes down to being able to admit that the way we behaved is not appropriate and saying sorry, I'll try better next time.
We are only human and have every right to feel what ever comes up.
I find breathing exercises helps me slow down, talking about how I've behaved helps me understand the above and as long as it's not affecting our relationship and we do try better it's better than not trying at all
@powerfulEast1407 , I hear you, and I do think admitting when we’ve messed up makes a difference. At the same time, what I struggle with is that sometimes saying sorry doesn’t feel enough if the same thing keeps repeating. I get that we’re human and it’s about trying, but I guess for me the harder part is making sure the change actually sticks, not just the intention. That’s where I still feel stuck sometimes
@dirtshine
Yes sometimes we are not ready to make a change. I had to because I was pregnant, and then after having kids it was a motivation not to have them taken off me. So I had to manage my issues and surrounded myself with supports so I could be brutally honest.
Sometimes changing supports until you find the right one. I know it can be difficult starting a fresh.
Some supports are good in the thick of issues and some are good for when you know how to say no. Don't be afraid to tell your story. Sometimes it can help you remember different things that you missed the first time. And everyone has a different way of looking at things or even a different amount of experience.
Also you need to want to change. Remember some people with emphasima still smoke cigarettes even though they know they will die early. Just be ready to own the consequences.
Google a book called ups and downs by Karen Young
Hey I completely get you. I can understand how difficult it is to manage and balance up everything. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this phase.
You just need to embrace change in your life as well as in others life. One might not be able to handle everything in one go at a time but eventually you will learn to find a balance between things going on.
You are definitely not a crap person. You thinking about extending a hand of help for others itself shows about your compassion and empathetic nature.
Feel free to share anything else as well you want to. Definitely there to extend a listening ear .