Just need to vent

You don’t have to read this, I just need to let it out somewhere.

I don’t really cry much, maybe once or twice a year, because I was always told it’s weak or pathetic. So I usually just keep everything in and pretend I’m fine. But this month has been different — I’ve cried almost every night, and that kind of scared me.

It’s mostly because of my parents. They’ve got a lot of problems between them, and when one of them is upset, they tell me I have to act a certain way or say certain things to keep them happy. It feels like I’m responsible for how they feel, and that’s… exhausting. When they’re stressed, they take it out on me. My mom sometimes apologizes, but it never really feels sincere which somehow feels worse than what my dad does; he just doesn’t say sorry at all — he just acts like nothing happened.

I know they love me in their own way, but it still hurts. My dad always jokes about how he didn’t want a daughter or how he’d rather sell me or leave me somewhere. I know he says it’s “just a joke,” but it doesn’t feel funny. And the hardest part is that he says horrible things about LGBTQ people — not knowing that I’m bi. It really hurts hearing that from someone I care about.

I wish I could just hate him for it, but then I remember the good moments— like when I was little and he’d make me laugh. Now I flinch when he gets too close, and those two versions of him keep tearing me apart.

I’m sorry I’m not the daughter they wanted. I’m sorry I’m not like them. But I’m trying to be okay, and I’m trying to accept who I am.

Thanks for reading if you did. Hope it wasn't too much.