...still avoiding family drama

I went through a journal crisis where I was trying to figure out the perfect journal to write in because journaling in the mornings and writing out my feelings helps with being able to manage my mood. When I start the day off going straight into work I feel very stressed out because it gives me anxiety that I can’t think about my feelings first thing in the morning but I’m expected to churn out so much work. 

It took a while to figure out a journal situation that is reliable - but I decided that I’m going to rely on the notes app on my Mac and phone to help with thinking through my feelings.

On March 24th I wrote a prompt on 7 Cups expressing how I’ve been avoiding family gatherings to protect my energy and peace. I’m still doing that and I do feel better. I read this quote online that said, “may you have the courage to disappoint people who profit from your self-abandonment” by We The Urban. I have been praying to God for more strength to make decisions that are supportive to me and not feel guilty or bad for what the outcomes are. I think I am doing a little bit better because I can feel my stress levels coming down, however, there are some social situations that causes my anxiety to rise. 

For example, yesterday morning I woke up feeling inspired because I wanted to read Under the Dome, HP Lovecraft and Dracula but I was interrupted by my cousin's negativity. She called me trying to see if I was going to go to my aunt’s birthday dinner, the truth was that I was drained and very tired so I decided against it. She said to me that I always have an excuse as to why I can’t do something and that’s why people don’t invite me places. Well, I wanted to be with my aunt on Thursday night - I told her to have K call me — K never called so I forgot all about it. It’s hard to be engaged with family when they don’t include me, naturally. Certain relationships shouldn’t feel forced or like I have to maintain them alone. 

It’s the fact that I wanted to read my books on a Sunday and I couldn’t because of the negativity that was thrown up on me. I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that she hung up on me, I wanted to yell at her and scream but I chose not to because all last week I yelled at people. I yelled at three people last week and I didn’t want to yell on a Sunday morning. I’m really trying to decrease my social stress and I don’t want to deal with people who are negative this week. This week, I want to be calm, focus on my work days without thinking about family drama because some people keep things going on all the time and don’t have any understanding. 

I feel really hurt that I’ve never done anything to my aunts or cousins however I’m always being treated badly. I can’t make people love me and I’m tired of the ongoing drama from day to day. I’ve really done well with throwing the towel in on *** given towards things like keeping a job that keeps leading with fear. I’m tired of people wanting me to go go go every single day but can’t check on me when I’m sick or make sure I’m alright. I’m doing better with self protection but I still have a long way to go. I’m tired of always having to explain, explain, explain a lot to people who barely care to listen. I have way more energy than I’ve had in the past so I’m starting to deal with things better just because my headspace is way better, but I still feel like I can do without certain relationships.