Caregiver burnout and guilt
Hi. I feel guilty even typing this but I’m feeling completely burnt out from being the primary caregiver for my partner who is autistic/ADHD. I’m the only person making an income in our family unit and on top of my work (including a new job with more responsibilities), I also provide emotional, physical and financial care for this person. I enjoy many parts of it, love them so much and feel completely sure about the relationship. But because of their lack of time, financial and other resource management as well as dependency on certain substances to cope with their own struggles and autistic burnout, I also have to play a parental and policing figure in the relationship which completely drains me. From sleep schedules to meals to use of electricity to other bills to doctors/therapy appointments to medicine schedule to so many other things (daily, weekly, monthly), I’m constantly keeping track of things for them and having to persuade them. For someone who is resolutely child free, this feels like having a child but it’s also an adult whose autonomy I have to respect and navigate. They are also my partner and that aspect of our relationship suffers so much because of all these other things. They don’t have anyone else in their life who can play this role and I feel incredibly selfish and guilty for feeling so drained, tired and close to burnout but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want myself to be the central character of this or make my partner feel guilty for their neurodivergence (which I inevitably do when I get frustrated like right now at nearly 2am after begging them to go to bed for hours). So I hope this is taken in that spirit because I have no one to talk to about this without feeling guilty about making it about myself. Thank you.
First …. Don’t feel guilty for feeling your genuine feelings or for feeling negative emotions …. Second , I can tell from this post that you love your partner unconditionally…. But remember you are human too …and even if you are not neurodivergent …. You still deserve to feel and think however you do, negative,positive, or neutral. Caregiver burnout is something not talked about enough…there’s a stigma that caregivers of any type need to be endlessly happy and joyful all the time for those they are caring for… but that is unrealistic and leaves no room for humanity. Having the courage to post about your feelings shows just how caring and loving you are …. Don’t feel bad or guilty for your frustrations.
Thank you for this. I think the guilt is almost inevitable but I need to remember some of this when I feel guilty. Negotiating my legitimate feelings while also being aware of my privilege can get confusing sometimes and I need to be more intentional about creating guilt-free times and spaces for myself.
Hi @GnT
It is my first time on 7 cup and the first post. I just wanted to respond to you because I felt maybe it can help you a bit, and sorry if I make mistakes here.
I understand you feel burnt out as you are a full time caregiver and also working full time.
I understand you feel guilty, because you care, and you would want things to be different. And I admire your dedication to this relationship.
When you feel guilty, take a breath and think what would your good friend tell you?
Being a single parent and a working mom of 3, I can see you are a wonderful person, doing your best and beyond your limits.
For years I was trying to manage all by myself, and looking back I understand it took a toll on me, but unfortunately on my kids, too.
We as caregivers need support. Now I have a person who stays with my kids while I am working, cooks and does some cleaning. It is a childcare support offered by my employer. It gives me time to have a bit of rest. I can be more present for my kids for quality time, while delegating some smaller tasks. My kids have other figure around, not only me.
We need to have our batteries charged in order to care for our loved one. Are there any sources of support for you? Lookout for extraordinary solutions, if nothing is available straight away.
Are there any tasks that can be of smaller importance, that can be ignored or simplified or automated? This can give you a bit of extra time to rest.
Is there any space for you to have a me-time and do what you like, and what helps you recharge?
5-10 mins walk, or meditation, or a nap, yoga?
Take care of yourself dear @GnT and I wish you all the best in your wonderful journey
Thank you very much for this kind message and for taking the time to share it. I do try to have time for myself but there’s always guilt and distractions built into that and I need to intentionally address that. What you say about having another caregiver available is something to think about because with my new job and it’s new responsibilities, I’ll also be earning more and might be able to afford it, whatever shape that caregiver may take. I’ll definitely think about it more. Thank you!
